Fight The Dawn

An Abstract Legacy

I have become so frustrated with myself: with my acting training. There are times when I have fun but most of the time as of late it has been anything but exuberance. I feel as though I’ve lost the joy of acting. Most of my time is spent trying to push through, to not shut down, to not beat myself into a pulp. It seems like every night I am picking myself up from off the floor and with each time I get up slower and slower, more bruised and battered. It’s exhausting.

There are a myriad of things causing this—and to be honest I don’t care too much to try and navigate through them all. I have no motivation to reach some grand breakthrough. I have hit the wall that I have hit all my life. So what follows: defiance, rebellion, and all the ugly shades of myself I hide away. In the end though I just want to play. I just want to find the joy of being at the beginning all over again. I want to go back to that wide-eyed boy that came in soaking wet out from the rain, knowing no one, and wanting to just simply act.

I believe I can and I believe I will. I’m so tired of my own ego getting in the way—thinking I’m some “veteran” in these classes, like I know anything. We have peaks and we have valleys and currently I am in a valley and I have to admit that I am OK with that. Will I be here forever, no. Will I grow to a new peak and hit another plateau and go through this cycle all over again, yes. Through it all though my goal is to always remain this wondrous awe-struck child. I’m tired of letting my pain, my ego, my self-hatred and loathing, keep me from what I love.

I love being a child, I love getting messy. I yearn to get up and play with no concept of right or wrong—just pure joyous freedom. There is no one stopping me from that but myself and so it’s time to let that go: to shed away that holding. I have made my acting training too personal. A child may get sad, hurt, and upset, but in the very next instant they are laughing and playing again. There is no time for self-pity and mutilation.

Deep down through the muddled darkness of my soul I have found my inner-child once again. Now it is time to let him out to play again. To see this world and craft we hold dear in all its awe-struck wonder. May I always peer through the eyes of a child in my acting.

How good it feels to get out of my head and just play. Meisner was very much on to something when saying the greatest threat to actors was their self-consciousness. That if actors could just get out of their heads and stop their self-judgments they all could be great.

This week started off with me very much in my head. I was very critical, judgmental, demanding, and conscious of myself. Through all that it was impossible for me to just play on the stage. I was stuck serving myself and my own ideas rather than stepping into the life and skin of another human being to serve the play. As actors our job is to first and foremost serve the play.

And in serving the play I must realize that there is no direct way into the life of a character I am playing. There is a “method,” yes, but it’s riddled with twists and turns. There are many facets to a character and play and those are discovered, often times through many failures. My coach has always described it as a sandbox and that I need to get in there and just play as I once did when I was a kid. As someone has told me, it isn’t called a play for no reason

I forget to play too often. Monday was the come down of that. However, Tuesday led to improv which is my favorite class. I always feel free to play in improv. One cannot put any forward thinking of ideas or contrivances into play with improv because it’s all made up. I never feel pressure to judge or critique myself because I have to be present in the moment with my scene partner(s) as we figure out this journey one line at a time.

In reflecting on that and my Monday struggle with method class I realized that I had stopped playing. And an actor that has stopped playing has stopped creating; I had killed my craft. Wednesday I had another scene and I decided to just play. I threw off all the work I had done on the scene and trusted it to be there for me and show up in the work and instead to focus mainly on playing. To focus on my scene partner, the given circumstances, and to play the life outside the lines.

The scene came alive. As I came alive my partner came alive, and as she grew more alive I in turn grew more playful. It was a chain reaction of play that created a beautiful scene. Which was still in service of the play through our prior work and study that came through. Thursday was the same in playing Petruchio—a character who can only be portrayed with playful attitude—I came alive once again. It was exhilarating, enlightening, fun, and most importantly my play allowed me to truly breathe life into this character beyond written words on a page.

Acting is behavior. That has been grilled into me constantly. It’s not about the lines, yet it is all about the lines. As actors our job is to serve the play and the lines by breathing the life of the character into them. We bring the life outside the lines, outside the given circumstances. We bring the behavior, and without playing there is no behavior. There is just a wooden actor on stage.

I must always remember to play. Even when life makes it hard. Even when it hits close to home. Acting is brave work and it is playful work. May we always be kids in a sandbox.

If you had the chance to touch greatness would you reach out and grab it, or shrink away…

I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. I mean I get it, I get so overwhelmed with feelings that my body shuts down. It’s an ingrained learned response to keep me from feeling. For feelings usually lead to depression—and I don’t want to go back there. Yet, obviously, if I’m not feeling then I cannot react and therefore cannot possibly act.

This is my struggle and will continue to be for the rest of my life in this craft. So far I have been more successful than not but last night I failed completely. I could not navigate through the many corridors of my soul. I could not isn’t right; I made a conscious decision not to. I sabotaged myself and my work. Worse than that I ruined a night for my scene partner. Not allowing her to work as I couldn’t get into the work with her. I disrespected my coach who was trying to work through this with me by building up walls and refusing to give into the exercises.

It was selfish. It was childish. I still have not fully grown up. In truth I was hoping last night that because of my actions, failings, and attitude my coach would kick me out of class. That I could then tell myself I’m not good enough, that this isn’t for me, and go back to whatever life I had before entering this craft. This is where I always end up eventually with everything I begin to love doing. When talent and work begin to show up with results and progress emerging forth, I crush it. I murder it.

I cannot seem to accept goodness or greatness in myself. My identity is that of an empty shell. This is my true struggle, seeing myself for the great man I am instead of the despondent shadow I cling to. Some of that is survivor’s guilt. The past still haunts me even when I should be long past it. Some of that is pride, or reverse pride, in wanting to see myself as lesser than what I am. As though that secretly makes me greater than everyone around me…ego. A lot of this is just me fighting myself.

I must always keep fighting. This battle I am embroiled in cannot get the better of me again. I can accept struggles, setbacks, mistakes…failures. I cannot accept giving up. I want to give up so bad right now. Every fiber of my being cries out in pain to just quit. Through all that I have no choice but to continue forward; onward into this unknown I have never pushed myself towards before.

Yesterday was the final day of shooting for my first film project. I have so many things I want to say about this experience and yet I’m sitting here struggling to articulate any of it. I wrote last week that this whole thing started off as a “hot mess” but this past weekend it ended much differently.

Saturday was hands down our best day of filming. We flew through scenes left and right. Leading up to that it helped that my costar and I rehearsed through all the scenes. I love film and I understand the nature of the beast in that when it’s film day it’s all about getting the shot. There is no time for rehearsals, you show up ready to work. So I am very much thankful to my partner that we could again put in the time to get the work done beforehand. Through that we were able to knockdown multiple scenes in multiple takes on Saturday.

It’s also very apparent to me how unwieldy a project can become to manage when there are too many people or highly involved set locations. A skeleton crew with two principal actors works really well. Granted more people are necessary for bigger shots and productions, and I would never wish to not have filmed with my kids, but the more people the more complexity. This business demands organization and problem solving for when the inevitable change comes to pass. An actor must be extremely adaptable. If one is lucky enough they will have the great fortune to work with another actor that is willing to prepare and work before hand.

Sunday was a lot of fun as well. We moved out to more locations and added on some more actors and extras. It was a surreal day. I didn’t want it to end. The last shot was the most surreal of all. I think it worked out really well in the sense that what I was feeling as Tyler meshed up nicely with what my character Chris was feeling. How do you explain the feeling of seeing your kids 10 years later (after having progressed into a much better life and car, which the thought behind is still funny to me) after having abandoned them? How do you explain the feeling of wrapping up a movie in which these people who started off as strangers have now become like family, or having made such a strong and unique bond with a fellow actor?

It’s hard to just say “that’s a wrap” and then go your separate ways. As it is, this is of course not goodbye—I’m no good with goodbyes anyways—but a look forward. There is already talk of future plans and projects. The networking has begun and for that I am really glad. While I am very sad that it is all over I am truly elated and humbled to have taken part in this small independent short film. We created art, we did the work, and I have made lifelong friends and memories. However this turns out after post will be secondary to the experience of creating this.

I will definitely be glad to share my work with those that are able to watch it but that will be another blog post for another time. For now “that’s a wrap” for my first film project but it’s a beginning to so many other things. I am truly blessed to be doing what I’m doing.

Where do I even start for this? I feel like I have to type this out before I get too emotional and sentimental. I also feel like I could write a whole book on the past 3 days, so this may be a little long. Let’s start from the beginning, where everything starts anyways.

I first auditioned for this film more as of a practice for auditioning. I thought it might be nice to get the part but didn’t expect it, as I didn’t think I was a good fit for the role, but it sounded interesting. My audition process was unique and fun, as they always are, and I walked out of there that Tuesday night pretty confident I didn’t get the part. Fast forward to Thursday of that same week and I was pleasantly surprised to get the part. I was invited to a Saturday lunch potluck for the cast and crew to meet each other. That Saturday was a foreshadow of things to come. It started late, which is alright, but then it continued to be late, with no communication happening. I eventually had to leave, 2 hours later, which is when the meeting began. That was good flow and explanation for just the general consensus of this past weekend. No communication and hurry up and wait.

Three days before filming was to commence the Assistant Director quit. Taking with her many key locations, and key crew members. I was pretty sure at this point that the film wasn’t going to happen. Which, I was initially fine with because I had begun feeling generally DGAF (don’t give a fuck) about myself as an actor and didn’t really want to act. Everyone in the film was scrambling around to fix these issues and ultimately my costar, or film wife, saved the day by offering up her house for the shoot. We were back on for shooting.

“Aw shucks” I thought. I was so close to wallowing away in self misery and now I have to go and be an actor. Some day I will grow up, or maybe not. Friday’s shoot was back on and it was back to the regular schedule of a full 3-day long weekend of filming. I was still DGAF over it but hey I made a commitment so lets see this through and run through the motions. Although the professional in me did a little more than just run through the motions. I made my character arc breakdown, scene breakdown, and made sure to have all my lines down for the first 3 scenes we were going to shoot on Sunday.

No battle plan survives contact with the enemy.
–Helmuth von Moltke

The enemy here was the business of entertainment and shooting films. The production started off as a hot mess. Shots all had to be re-worked and re-planned and scenes were cut and re-written. Our first night we were scheduled to shoot 3 scenes. We made it out of there shooting one scene. Could we have shot more? I’m pretty confident we could have but I’m just an actor. People were doing the best they could with what little control they had.

My greatest saving grace was in my costar. I haven’t had the luxury of working with a wide variety of actors, just my colleagues in our mock conservatory training, so I don’t expect too much from other actors because I don’t have a lot of experience. I was pleasantly surprised by my costar though. She is amazing. Anytime I can sit down with a fellow actor and “do the work” I count it as a blessing. I continue to hope that in every production I do I will have that, for I had that as well with my colleagues in the play I did, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Amidst all the craziness going on around us I was just very thankful that I could talk with another actor in the same vein. There were so many problems with the script and our character’s relationship but we were able to figure them out and fix them. I am convinced that this movie is being made in spite of this script and direction. That seems like a harsh critique but I don’t think it’s far off. There is an amazing crew here and an all-star cast that are working in adverse conditions to make this thing work. We’re down to a skeleton crew and I’m not sure who we will have next weekend if anyone but I hope we can continue to just piece this thing together. It’s a hot mess.

That aside there are so many characters in all this. I begun by not wanting to have done this production and sitting here on an off day I really just wish I was shooting again with these people. I miss my kids that called me A-Daddy for actor daddy. Working with child actors has been an incredible experience. They are so incredibly gifted, curious, and adorable. They have taught me so much. I miss my costar, my wife, who I can improvise a scene with and have so much fun and make some incredibly strong and real moments with. I miss the characters of people that make up certain crew members and other actors. Their individual charm and quirkiness that just lightens the mood and makes for glorious moments of real life.

It has been 3 grueling days of things constantly going wrong, long days with limited sleep, and lots of alcohol, courtesy of my loving wife, but it has been 3 truly fantastic days that I will not forget. You really get close to people in such a short but intense amount of time. I do not get to see my kids next weekend and that was a hard goodbye. I mean I’m sitting here laughing because this film is such a mess. I truly am frightened by what I think will come out of it at the end but in all honesty I love it. I’m looking forward to this coming weekend and continuing to shoot. Even in all the horror I’m addicted.

I think that is the most important thing to walk away from this with. There will always be production problems. There will be many different types of crew and actors but this process is something magical. I have no idea what my future holds but I am very thankful that for now I get to work on this film. Despite any and all of it’s flaws it is something gorgeous. People might see this and judge it and critique it for its merit as a snapshot but I will know the whole. And while the whole can only be described as a “hot mess” it is a beautiful and glamorous “hot mess”.

Should I write about a new insight gained tonight? Should I write about some new big breakthrough that happened on stage? Should I write about the push through a struggle to overcome and excel? Or should I write about the truth? About despondency?

I’d rather talk in riddles and metaphors that hide the true feelings inside. I’d rather wield a pen such that my thoughts became so jumbled that I could have a bit of peace in their confusion. Unfortunately, everything clicks neatly together like a jigsaw puzzle but with no scenery to behold.

What about the truth of a black hole that fills my heart? Would that be interesting enough to satiate one’s curiosity? I think it would be rather boring and mundane but at least truthful. How there is a void that seeks and longingly desires, no, absolutely craves validation. That without it, it looks in the mirror and seeing its blackness reflected back stares waiting for something to emerge out of that hole, knowing full well nothing can.

Or that in the event it does receive validation, it gobbles it up before it can even process it. Erasing the validation beneath its dark interior as though it was never there at all. How can the insatiable be satisfied? It is a futile task. So it sits there, waiting. Hoping for one day when something brave, something strong. . .something beautiful, emerges from its odious core. All the while knowing full well, that nothing ever will.

Gratitude – Open Your Eyes

More often then I would like, I forget why I do any of this. I lose focus of the bigger picture that is unfolding and taking place around me. I grow inward and selfish in my views and ambitions. Which only leads to frustration, bitterness, and a feeling of self-destruction. How can we exist just in it of ourselves?

There is so much more to this craft and journey than just ourselves. There is so much more to the beauty of this entire world that we are apart of. It’s all too humbling. In our craft it is our job to dive in and explore the lives of these very real people. To hold back self-judgements and criticisms and to explore freely and curiously the inner working of another that is not so far removed from ourselves.

It is good to be reminded of the beauty for which we strive to hold a mirror to, both good and bad. As well it is good to gaze into that mirror of ourselves and challenge our own faults. For me that is the inward separation of myself and the world around me. Yet I cannot continue to wallow in my own destruction and instead must embrace the beauty of that which I am a humble partaker, and be grateful.

This battle I write of is not a one off occurrence and I know all too well it will continue to happen again in the future. What I take solace in is the fact that the beauty and grandeur of the world and universe will always pull me back in. Reminding me that I am not alone, nor apart, nor forgotten, but a gorgeous part of something more vast than I could ever conceive alone. For that I will always be grateful.

It was once remarked to me that in training to become an actor you will have no life. Or rather your life will be consumed with acting. I’m in my second week of 5 days a week classes, while working full-time, with rehearsal practices on Saturdays and Sundays, so I’m basically in acting 7 days a week, and I’m asserting the truth of that remark. I’m not in a conservatory training program, as cool as that would be, so it’s not a full time 8-10 hour day of acting but it gets pretty close. It’s basically a part-time job of 20-30 hours all on the side.

Yet those are the hours solely dedicated to acting, as I said before, my life has become consumed with acting. My time at work is consumed with acting. Whether it be looking at a potential audition piece or going over a monologue or reading a play on a break, acting breathes its way into every moment. It’s always on the mind, it’s always with you. Even when I go out to Chipotle to get some much needed fuel the eye is observing people, watching their behavior; everyone becomes a character study.

Breakthroughs don’t just happen in class or in rehearsals. Suddenly an epiphany comes while you are alone sitting on the toilet, that’s where most of mine happen anyway, and you are thrust forward with excitement to get up and play, hopefully wiping first. In all of this I have not grown tired of acting or even close to burnt out. Instead the opposite is happening, my appetite and hunger for this craft continually grows to new bounds.

I’ve been plotting a character timeline for Shakespeare, rehearsing monologues for class and auditions, going to auditions (which is a whole other story), writing my own work, rehearsing scenes, and reading for new monologues. I get home late at night and fall asleep to Stanislavski. I awake early, bleary eyed and zombie in to work, and come alive again at night with whatever class is scheduled that day. It’s fantastic. Some say I’m crazy. Some say I’m going to get burnt out. Some say I need to rest or take a vacation.

I say, bring on more. I’ve been less involved in other things and walked away from them, or been severely burnt out on them. They were not for me, my life was just fine going on without them. Acting though, I cannot do without. It’s not something one can understand unless they share the passion, or they have passion for something else in a similar vein. Acting isn’t a hobby. I’m convinced it cannot function as a craft one just dabbles in. Acting is an art that consumes your entire being and your entire life. If you are not prepared for that, if you do not wish for that, then the craft is not for you.

I don’t mean that anyone who isn’t a working professional or doing acting as their primary focus is a hobbyist. I firmly believe you can be doing community theatre and hole in the wall productions while maintaining a paying day job and still be in this craft. There are many cases, I believe, where the craft of acting burns brighter in those unknown side actors than those that we watch on the big screens. It’s an art, a craft, and it demands the full passion and embodiment of every soul that wishes to enter into its domain.