Typically for me my new year is on July 2nd for that is when I was born and when each new year progresses. It’s also around when I began acting and so makes more sense from a retrospective point of view. However, in the interest of a calendar year perspective I will take a look back on the year of 2016, which was a big year for me. It was a year of transition and development.
To start, in May I finished up the reason I came out to Phoenix which was for Bible college. Coming out to Phoenix was a huge life transition for me. Looking back when I first came out I wasn’t even going to attend the second year of this two year program. Which makes no sense in hindsight as I was taking the first year online and so didn’t need to be in Phoenix if I wasn’t going to do the second year. I ended up not only doing the second year but the optional third year as well which again wrapped up in May of 2016.
I was in such a chaotic state when coming out to Phoenix and I thank God for what he taught me and forged me to become. My time out here was year to year and sometimes even month to month. There was always something inside of me that wanted to go back home to San Diego but I knew there was a reason why I was out here. I needed to work on myself and build a foundation before I could go anywhere. Phoenix wasn’t just any city it was a city in which I was to be reborn like its namesake, and from the ashes of my former self rise to become something new.
I found that new self through the foundation set in Bible college and then the beginning of a new journey, and a new passion in acting. After school a clear progression was ahead for me to fully commit and dive into acting. I was beginning my second year of acting and now was the time to fully give all of my new self and see where this could take me. At the heart of that was more growth. While a foundation was built before now a house could become erected or more analogous while my heart was crafted in Bible college a structure of body and soul could arise out of acting.
This has not been easy. I have constantly struggled with insecurities and parts of my old self that I hated. For in truth I had hated myself for most of my life. It took a constant reminder that my old self had died and a new self had begun to emerge. Paul talks about this religiously and even if one is not a Christian themselves I find that in art this same principle is vital. We must accept that certain self-defense mechanisms we had enacted no longer serve us and instead we must grow out of those into a new and very vulnerable person. Acting changes you, if you do not change you are not progressing.
This process comes with Love; it must come with Love. Love is the only way that we can, without judgement, accept who we were and in turn become who we need to be. Love is what lets us be absolutely real and honest with ourselves so that we can in turn play our truth in vulnerable nakedness on stage. Love is what lets us not judge others or characters so that we can empathize and understand them to be able to breathe life into the characters we play. I believe that Love is at the heart of our work, always. There is no acting without Love.
I’ve changed a lot this year, triumphed and failed so many times. Even just before the new year I still struggled with my insecurity of who I am as a Christian and what I do as an actor. In that same year I’ve also booked my first gig off a great audition. I’ve also failed an audition for a pilot. I’ve had many ups and downs, made many sacrifices, lost some friends and made others, and never regretted a moment of it.
2016 was a year of transition and growth and with growth there will always be growing pains. I was not spared, but on the other end of growth are new heights and triumphs to behold. For 2017 I start this year off unapologetic for the man I was, the man I am, and the man I will become. I have struggled too long, lost too much, and fought too hard, to get here. I will live this life full of passion, desire, and most of all Love. That is the only thing I know how to do, to Love. May 2017 and the years to come be full of Love.