Why are we so hesitant to drag out of us, from deep within, this connection to our work? Why must I force someone else to draw out greatness from within me? I feel it’s a childish rebellion I put on. Is this an ugly side of ego which makes one work for the greatness within and if one isn’t willing to work for it, or draw it out, then they aren’t worthy to behold it? Very childish indeed. Or rather, am I still stuck in this classic rut where I cannot believe in myself unless another believes in me? That I cannot see the greatness within until someone else sees it for me and makes me believe.
I feel it is definitely the latter type of fault. A deep craving of validation yearns inside this darkened soul that has been so rife with self-deprecating nature. Yet I know, that until I can truly believe in myself, and that greatness within, that I will be nothing in my work. Others can realize it, see it, even few can pull it out, but if I cannot do that in it of myself than I am nothing. Then I would simply be a puppet with strings to a master who could wonderfully wield me or tear me down to the worst of forms.
The worst is I can feel it too. I can feel right when the performance starts that I am hidden inside, undiscovered, not wanting to come out to play. I must figure out why this happens. I must tear apart these insecurities and worthless derogatory forms that I have developed in myself. I must begin to see myself in a new light. It would be more ego and more harmful to hide behind this veneer of humility, hiding what is inside, then to accept what and who I am and let all that out to play.
I have an amazing coach who sees the full extent of potential inside each of her pupils. Yet, I will not have her there to always pull out what is within me, and neither should I rely on that, or be content with that. For no one can truly know the extent of who you are devoid of all your experiences and subconscious workings. We must realize the potential within ourselves and seek relentlessly to pour that forth, unabashed, and unashamed. The stage demands nothing less. We must all begin to see ourselves in new shades of light. Taking in the good with the bad and all the variations in between. We are human, we are faulty, and we are beautiful!