There are times when we are forced to stand face to face with our weaknesses, faults, shortcomings, and ugliness. Too often we shrug these moments off and dodge them, creating defense mechanisms to deny the truth exposed so that we can go on living our safe and precious lives. It’s a form of rebellion against ourselves and it can be internally bloody in its own way. A war of cognitive dissonance that forms inside of us in which we must at all costs resolve so as not to lose our delicate psyches.
Then there are times when we cannot simply continue with our defense mechanisms. Where faced with our ugly self we grow tired and weary of side-stepping it and instead look to embrace and understand it, for it is truly us after all. It is in these times when a revolution of self can truly take hold. When we can make actual forward progress as a person by accepting ourselves in all our faults and failures, shortcomings and weaknesses. This is a revolution and overthrow of ourselves and what emerges on the other side is something new, something beautiful. Only then can we begin to move forward into new horizons.
I was stuck in a rebellion on Thursday. I was frustrated with my lack of progress on a Shakespeare scene. I couldn’t seem to get any true emotion in play as well I was failing my partner. I decided to play in a new sandbox as well and it completely failed me. Sitting down in reflection I begun to realize that what I was playing was the safe outward defense mechanism. My cool and nonchalant attitude was actually my public defense mechanism against these ugly feelings inside. This moment in Hamlet called for a true personal moment, how I really feel on the inside and express in the privacy of my own room quite often. It’s a bear of a moment in time and my sandbox play was actually a defense mechanism of not being in that moment.
My coach was right, it didn’t fit the given circumstances. Yet, I only wished to rebel. I did not want to accept the truth or go anywhere near playing it. So I sat and sulked; poor pitiful me. My time was up and I was ready to sulkily write the rest of the class until I could go home and vent properly before exasperating myself to sleep. Yet that was not the actual development of this story. Instead I was called up to go again with a different partner for this scene.
Inside I wanted to rebel. I wanted to pout my way through it. I wanted to throw and sabotage the scene because hey, well that’s just normal human defense mechanisms. Protect ourselves at all costs. Yet that was not the actual development of this story. Instead I opted for a revolution, which I’ll truthfully admit came out of a little spite. I thought to myself, “Oh you want the truth? You want to see this side of the character? Fine.” It was quite childish I have to admit but we can become such children when trying to protect ourselves.
I took a breath and with that relaxed into a scene that formed a revolution inside of me. I don’t remember or recall how the scene went specifically for I was more focused on my partner than I had ever been. The scene was there, new things happened, new discoveries were made, but more importantly I played through my own ugliness and brought all of me into the scene. Was it some beautiful display of a Tony Award winning scene, of course not. But it was progress; a revolution of myself.
I’m beginning to realize that these walls we hit in our personal growth and artistic progress are simply defense mechanisms and ugly characters of ourselves that we must confront. That the only way to break through a wall is to have an internal revolution. This is no easy task and by no means does simply recognizing this fact cause one to enter into enlightenment and full artistic prowess. For these walls are still there and more will come in the future. But to know what it takes to break through them and to make that conscious step to move forward, I feel, is a key piece of knowledge. I know now what must be done, the trick now is pushing through when any wall comes up. To be in a constant state of revolution with ourselves so as to always be moving forward.
It is also important to note that revolution does not imply bloody but rebellion does. Every time we rebel against ourselves we tear apart our souls and artistically this is devastating. Revolution is simply a turn around; instead of running from our selves we instead turn to embrace and continue on. May we always be in revolution of ourselves!