Out from the shadows and into the new,
I am on track towards what my heart pursues.
For my fourth year I asked myself to live and enjoy every moment. It took me about half the year until I could finally come around to that. The past year was filled with disillusionment and a feeling of being lost and restless. My plans evaporated and my dreams darkened.
Towards the end I did come to live and sit in the moment. To be thankful for that and not fill my thoughts with past or future; it was still a struggle. A lesson was learned throughout it all; a first step that I need to embark on to truly embrace each new moment. I have to let go.
I have to let go of the control I need over everything in my life. To let go of all ideas that I cling to in vain attempts to venerate myself and find validation. To let go of the child in me that has pulled me to the back of the shadows and step out into the light. To let go of being perfect and the worry that is produced by that in hitting failure.
I have to let go of everything I hold sacred and trust that I am enough. I have to let go of my ego. I have to let go of my heart. Sharing it with others and not demanding a certain way it be taken. I have to let go of all the fear that drives me. I have to let go of my dreams so that new ones can be made.
Only through that can I find my confidence. Can I find my inner strength and resolve; what I stand for. I feel as though I am stripping away the core of me but it is the lie. An infectious lie that has egregiously corrupted my soul. I must scrape the taint off the top to behold the hidden beauty swirling underneath.
It is long past time to define myself by who I truly am than the lie I’ve constructed. I have only hurt people with that lie not lifted them up. I secretly wrote that I was the bright and shining star and now it must break forth and spread its light. And it won’t be easy.
In various ways and in smaller chunks I have tried to do this before. I have to admit I have grown and I still have so much more work to do. There is a sense of clarity now. As well more force behind wanting to break forth than remaining behind my walled cage. It has already started and the more I step forth and let go and come forth anew the brighter the current moment is.