Losing faith and belief in oneself is dangerous. It births a whole void that festers and breeds doubt—leading to anger, frustration, jealousy, envy, and wanting to tear others down; rather than lifting them up. It kills creativity—it kills all art within. Disillusionment is hell for the actor. It is also the nature of the business. It is a corrupting force that has no place in an artist. yet, is it something we will face endlessly.
If I do not master control over myself in this regard I will fall into a pit I cannot drag myself out of. I am my own worst enemy in this regard and harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. Which is good and bad. I walk this razor’s edge. One step from an artist’s death and one step from greatness.
Here I lie, I’m staring at, the doubts and questions, of my mind.
Sir Winston Lear
I flatten myself to make it easier to swallow failure. I cower in the shadows for fear of touching the light to only have it taken away. I castrate myself emotionally to not have to face the ugliness inside. All this fear only serves to fulfill this self-fulfilling prophecy. “Better is it to have risked everything and fallen short than to have never risked at all.” Only cowards hide in the shadows. Those timid and tepid souls that will never touch the light or experience the highs.
The doubts are further obstacles to conquer—that is all. My road always continues forward: there is no “failure” that causes a dead end. Even if there was I would claw my way through the brush to clear a new path. There is no fear of failure because in truth there is no such thing. Failure is a lie I have invented to excuse my playing it safe.