I’m scared of all that I don’t know.
Circles — EDEN
There has been a lot of fight in me these past six months. Dealing with my perceived failed audition to RADA and expectation of rejection and unworthiness. Struggling through a failing production which never found its heart; in turn leading to asking those questions of ourselves we shouldn’t be asking. The exuberance of getting into London and the immense frustration that came with studying there. The feelings of inadequacy, being lost, loneliness, anger, disprized love, hopelessness, pride, guilt, and shame, to name a few.
Followed up by a relatively successful production mixed with hubris, false smiles, and empty congratulations. Into a scene that is very personal to me and struggling in wanting to let that be seen; hiding it away in the dark recesses of my soul. My usual bouts with depression, and to top it off a last minute short film which left me only asking one extremely unspecific question, why?
We are told there is a divine dissatisfaction that is healthy to our art and craft. Something that keeps us humble and pushing forward in growth as an artist, but I have found the extreme side of that pendulum. Or rather I have run astray of ‘divine’ dissatisfaction and given way to self-loathing dissatisfaction. A crippling sense of unworthiness that demotivates and shrinks down.
I’m scared, but I know it’s not for long, because I’m learning what I’ve shoulda known before.
Circles — EDEN
I made a promise long ago and discovered a realization I can never let go. The darkness that surrounds me is thick and suffocating but the spark of life that is within shines brighter than any fog that sweeps through. I fight myself at every turn to keep that shining star dull and distant, not confident in its ability to stand and shine on its own. I fight my identity and truths that lay waiting within, content to live a lie that doesn’t allow me to rise so that I do not have to suffer another fall. We were never created to shrink away from who we are or to burn out slowly.
I never wanted to feel again because all I knew was this pernicious pain that permeated my core, and if I could somehow dull myself then I could somehow make it through this languish life. I created a lie of safety, but the existence of that lie could not live in harmony with the truth of who I am. I am alive. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to fall. I want to rise. I want to live!
I cannot live without my pain and suffering but I also live with joy and laughter. I have broken through another wall, burned off the overcast of fog that had descended upon this shining star, and now I get to see and experience new sights and sounds. I get to take a step forward in life and live. I take that step eagerly and with vitality, for I know too that this fog will come again. It will descend and try to darken and dwindle this living light within but it will never win. With each battle I grow stronger; I come more alive. I am a light unto the darkness and am called to share that light with others.