Last year I wrote how it would be the year in which I took the biggest risks. I talked about how it would possibly be my biggest and busiest year. I had so many goals and aspirations. Well I achieved them all.
I went for it and put myself out there, throwing everything on the line. I failed a lot and I beat myself up too much at times. Still, I continued on. I picked myself up and pushed forward, intent on seeing this course through to the end. Upon reflection it was my greatest year yet.
I didn’t mean to hurt you, when I hurt myself.
Illenium—Take You Down
It was a year of some of my deepest and darkest struggles. I’ve had to face the worst sides of myself and as I wrote earlier, I almost didn’t make it. There were too many times I wanted to give up. Too many times where I lost faith in myself and in this charge that was given to me. Every time I was about to quit, though, I held on and shortly after found a breakthrough instead. My coach has always said this journey we pursue as artists is about perseverance. It’s not easy being an actor that truly goes after truth in their art. For to truly achieve truth on the stage, I believe one must face the truth in themselves. For me that was facing a lot of: hurt, pain, despair, depression, broken promises, rejection, and ugliness inside.
Sometimes it’s like an ocean, and it gets too deep.
Illenium—Take You Down
In facing all that, though, I found: peace, joy, happiness, a smile, confidence, beauty inside and out, and a Love that conquers all. I found my Angels amidst my Demons, and in what I thought was my dark abyss inside, my well of beautiful colours to paint with. We are so rich inside. My love for this craft and myself was tested. It was laid bare and exposed. I was more vulnerable than I had ever been and I wanted to cover it up and protect it. I did not think it could survive on its own and could not see that it was the only thing saving me; the only thing keeping me going.
I have some lofty goals for this next year, as there should be every year, but they are secondary in thought. My primary purpose and goal is to keep this vein of Love pulsing and fully exposed. To cast this net of Love wider, enveloping all those that I come across and interact with. Building up, encouraging, and pushing myself and fellow artists. Investing it into every character I take on, leaving nothing hidden and putting it all on the stage. To remember to have fun and play. Last year was about taking big risks—this year is about playing to the max, filled with Love.
Yes, I want to go back to London for a Masters program. Yes, I want to film my web-series I’ve been working on with friends, do a Shakespeare production, and many more things. Greater than all those, though, is to remember that this year is another step amidst a life long journey and that it is the journey that matters, not the end. The end will only be as great as the accumulated memories. I want to be present in every moment this year, and with every person I encounter. To allow these eyes to take in and receive the magnificent beauty that is contained within each passing moment and return it with the Love that runs within.
There will be many struggles and failures in this next year, of that I have no doubt, but they are also part of the journey. My failures and struggles of the past year have forged me into who I am going into this next year. I would trade them for nothing. I will play and Love, regardless of the outcome. I said last year that I could not accept living with the regret of not putting everything on the line. Well I will continue to do that and hold fast to that. I also add for this year that I cannot accept making this journey about the end. Instead I must live every moment. The time of fear, self-doubt, and holding back is at an end.
Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art.
Konstantin Stanislavski
I’ve let go of control over my dreams and aspirations before, taking a different path then what I had planned. Yet, this moment still feels weird and new. I truly do not know where I will be this time next year. Two months ago it was surely LA, but that is one option now amidst a sea of others and I’m not concerned with it. It will reveal itself through the course of this next year and I have faith it will be where I need to go. Again, my focus is on myself, this craft, and in living each moment with abounding Love.