Over my three years of acting I have battled a lot of inner demons. I’ve been forced to confront the uglier sides of myself, to not ignore them and instead wrestle with their influence and dark truth. I have had to look in the mirror and see me for who I truly am. I did not like it, I despised most of myself, but I accepted it as a starting point; a man in need of a lot of growth, and maturity. It helped that I had a loving coach that delicately guided me through the process and was more patient with me than myself. As well as a core group of friends and actors that were experiencing the same thing in their own way. We could build and lift each other up.
Over the past seven weeks I have encountered all the demons faced in the past three years and then some. It has been some of the most intense battles…and I almost didn’t make it out. I was alone out here across the pond. No coach in close proximity to gently keep me on track or encourage me out of my self doubt. No friends or support group to go to and pick me up and make me believe in myself again. While I did have fellow actors here and did engage in communal support it was not the same. Three years in a program with people going through the training we go through is something completely different and inadequate to bear comparison.
I’ve always feared my ego, knowing what was deep down inside of me. While it would rear its ugly head every now and then I was, or my coach or friends, were able to put it back in its place. That was not the case here. I crossed the line of loving the art in myself to loving myself in the art. To wanting nothing but me, me…me, O despised me. Struggling with my doubts and feelings of inadequacy: my constant need for validation, wanting to get it right, to be perfect, to be noticed, to matter, to be loved, to love, to be the sole soul in the limelight. I needed to feed the hole inside me that could never be filled. My deep insatiable cavern was exposed and nothing could fill it. I was consumed by my ego and I hated myself to the very core, and yet even then everything had to be about me. Through that I forsook all my training and everything I had learned about acting. I became consumed with myself in the art and when I presented my pieces I failed utterly; which is the best thing that could have happened to me.
I failed, but I learned a lot. That I cannot do this on my own and was never meant to, thank you God. That it will never be about me and shouldn’t be. I am a piece of this much greater puzzle, a great piece, but a piece none the less, and trying to jam a piece that has a specific spot carved out into another spot doesn’t work. Everything must serve a purpose and that there truly are no small roles, only small actors. All this I knew and believed before but I never confronted it with every essence of my being. I also know that this will not be the last time I will have to battle this, maybe never as great again, but I know I have the knowledge and power to conquer it and get back on track.
We have 10 days to get a full Shakespeare play ready for show. After eight days I’ve been able to turn things around, learning from my first six weeks of struggles here, and it has been amazing. I can feel the ego wanting to seep through but it doesn’t. There is more fun in serving the purpose I have for this play, there is more freedom and more creativity. All the ugly parts of me aren’t present and I can instead concentrate fully on the work and enjoy the artist that is inside of me. I don’t need to seek validation or the feeling of needing to be noticed or be in the limelight. My presence is there, in conjunction with other artists and today we have created something spectacular. “This art and craft that we pursue is bigger than me and bigger than you.” I can finally understand my own quote better.
A whole lot of exposition but all that to say I believe the greatest battle was in facing this on my own. The training wheels came off and…I almost didn’t make it, truly…but I did. That led to growth and maturity. I stared long into the abyss within me and instead of losing myself, I dug deep and found the well within. That victory alone has made this trip mean the world to me.