I am cursed by the knowledge of what I can achieve, the work I can put out. To do anything less leads to pain and frustration. It leads to a dark hole filled with doubt and insecurities; to questions that fracture the core of who I am as an actor, splintering out cracks in the foundation I thought I so solidly built. A depression deepens as my confidence concedes to my inner demons.
What am I trying to prove?
Who am I so desperately trying to impress?
I hold firm faith and lapdog loyalty to this lineage I attend to. Fixated on the fact that I am a forerunner to the future of so many that will follow in my footsteps. I bolster a burden that I alone have created for myself; to bring forth this quiet genius that was not long for languish in this desert. To, at all costs, give credence to what I hold dear here and thrust it out into the wide world. Giving light to the greatness I have seen and known from that of my mentor and fellow followers.
Who am I to carry such a burden?
How could I possibly think this is something I could do?
But maybe this is all ego. Who the hell am I to think that I could carry such a load? Why should I think that fame and notoriety is what matters to the art that is crafted there? This burden I bear may well be more so for me, than the humble intention I had hitched it for. Is it for validation that I desire these deeds to be widely wondered at? If so, then is that validation more vindicative to me and my ego than what I am trying to value in this school, craft, and art? I long for others to recognize the greatness to which we attain each and every night but I know in my heart of hearts, that is not why any of us do it; why any of us show up night after night.
I am a Fool hell bent on a Foolish task.
I believe that I have crossed over from loving the art in myself (and those around me) into loving myself in the art. I was never meant to shoulder such a burden as I bear. It is not up to me to bring the world into the shadows we so splendidly play in. I have no doubt that some day the sun will rise on this corner of the craft and send it sprawling forth into the ether. But that is not my path. I am one of many forerunners foraying out to lay the groundwork for those that come after; an ambassador of our art. Should a red carpet greet me, blessed be I, but still I open the door for another who will come after. And should I rather be greeted with a dusty desert and part as a path that leads to nowhere, then I will shout ‘Amen’! For I have gone where others dared not tread and laid groundwork for braver souls to build anew. When the dust settles after my torrential reign over this terrain it will read forth…
This art and passion that we pursue
Is bigger than me and bigger than you.