I failed in acting tonight. In the worst way too. I was too safe. There was no creativity, no playing, no art. I’m beginning to feel like there is no artist in me, no hope for me. That I’ll never be anything but a dead wooden actor, which is not an actor and definitely not an artist.
Yet, I can’t give up, as there is nothing else. There is nothing else to run to, and I refuse to give up. Maybe I’m stubbornly stupid and will amount to nothing, and I’m fine with that. As with the man who spends his entire life waiting for the cherry blossom and never seeing it, it is not a life wasted to me.
I guess what is happening instead is all these illusions of grandeur, all this ego is being stripped away. And my heart and true passion is being tested. It hurts, it sucks. I want validation so bad, but I know that will only be a death sentence. Validation can only come from within me, and that takes work. It’s not there yet, and it might be a long while till it comes but I’m patient.
If I never leave the red room it will not be a life wasted.