I have come to learn as of late that mixed in with my happiness is also my pain, and with all that pain—deep down in that well—is still happiness mixed in. I thought they were separate, not conjoined together. That happiness could exist without pain but I cannot get rid of one without getting rid of the other. I have tried and that is how I become DGAF (don’t give a fuck)—without feeling—void! That is not living.
I struggle with emotional pain. I want to avoid it at all costs; I want to minimize it. I want to make it glib. Yet, in doing all those things to my pain I do the same thing to my happiness. I become empty. Pain and happiness are my yin and yang and they will always be mixed together. One might be felt stronger than the other at times but the other is still there, intertwined.
I must learn to accept the pain that resides within me. To see its value and the fact that it is a part of my gift. So that while there might be bleak days, those give credence and value to the happy days. For how can we truly appreciate the ups without the downs? Thus there is no longer black and white—not even shades of grey. There is instead bright vivid colors. They are painted with the mix of pain and happiness. They create my own personal rainbow, and it is beautiful.