Acting is all about finding the vulnerabilities in yourself, the uncomfortable truth we hold so deep within, exposing it, and then running towards it with reckless abandon.
I’ve been on edge as of late: suffering through a bout of depression I haven’t experienced in close to a decade. I hate to admit that because I don’t like acknowledging it, it just doesn’t fit. I haven’t lived a sad or hard life. In fact I’ve lived quite the opposite of a hard life, as I grew up sheltered or in a bubble. I feel like admitting to having depression is a huge disservice to all the people who struggle through such a serious disease in a truer sense. I minimize my own struggles in fear of minimizing something greater.
Not acknowledging it doesn’t get me anywhere though. For in this mode the primary thing that I do is isolate; I push everyone away. It also steals my passion, drive, and love. I become a desolate wasteland of a person: hard and cold. It’s a defense mechanism to save others from myself and to preserve my great insecurities and struggles from seeing the light of day. For how could anyone love or care for me when I cannot do that myself. I have lost belief in myself. This is death to my acting and so I have struggled.
There are many times when the belief in ourselves will fail. Something will hit hard or strike too deep. The nature of this art and business will crush a bit of our souls. It is in these times when a support group goes a long way. To find someone or someones who believe in you. I have countlessly been reminded that no man is an island, and that is true. We are not meant to go at this alone. Grit and determination might carry us far but a support group will see one through to the very end.
I have found that I am the worst judge of myself and often times the worst judge of my potential. As of late I have given into this judge seeing nothing of worth and thus, I’ve found myself sitting in the morose pit of self-loathing. I’ve seen many friends in this pit as well and for now that is OK. We can all chill in this pit for a little—watching others soar above us. But we must know that this is not our lot for long. We will all climb out of this pit, one by one, and take flight into the clear sky above.
And as we chase our stars in this heaven above us, we will carry with us all that we had in the pit and put it on display in a beautiful aurora borealis for others to share in. Make no mistake, acting is brave work. It is demanded of us every time we expose ourselves on stage or in front of a camera. May we remember that it is not the specific grief, pain, or tragedy that defines us but how we survive through it. We are stronger than we know!