If you had the chance to touch greatness would you reach out and grab it, or shrink away…
I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. I mean I get it, I get so overwhelmed with feelings that my body shuts down. It’s an ingrained learned response to keep me from feeling. For feelings usually lead to depression—and I don’t want to go back there. Yet, obviously, if I’m not feeling then I cannot react and therefore cannot possibly act.
This is my struggle and will continue to be for the rest of my life in this craft. So far I have been more successful than not but last night I failed completely. I could not navigate through the many corridors of my soul. I could not isn’t right; I made a conscious decision not to. I sabotaged myself and my work. Worse than that I ruined a night for my scene partner. Not allowing her to work as I couldn’t get into the work with her. I disrespected my coach who was trying to work through this with me by building up walls and refusing to give into the exercises.
It was selfish. It was childish. I still have not fully grown up. In truth I was hoping last night that because of my actions, failings, and attitude my coach would kick me out of class. That I could then tell myself I’m not good enough, that this isn’t for me, and go back to whatever life I had before entering this craft. This is where I always end up eventually with everything I begin to love doing. When talent and work begin to show up with results and progress emerging forth, I crush it. I murder it.
I cannot seem to accept goodness or greatness in myself. My identity is that of an empty shell. This is my true struggle, seeing myself for the great man I am instead of the despondent shadow I cling to. Some of that is survivor’s guilt. The past still haunts me even when I should be long past it. Some of that is pride, or reverse pride, in wanting to see myself as lesser than what I am. As though that secretly makes me greater than everyone around me…ego. A lot of this is just me fighting myself.
I must always keep fighting. This battle I am embroiled in cannot get the better of me again. I can accept struggles, setbacks, mistakes…failures. I cannot accept giving up. I want to give up so bad right now. Every fiber of my being cries out in pain to just quit. Through all that I have no choice but to continue forward; onward into this unknown I have never pushed myself towards before.