True self-confidence never needs to degrade the confidence of others in order to grow and survive. If it does, it’s not confidence at all. . .it’s ego.
– Charles F. Glassman
There is a monster inside me waiting to devour those I lay eyes on. It seeks out to find those that are weak and punish them, consuming them in raw fire; taking their energy to feed its ugly endeavors. For those that are stronger it lays patiently dormant, waiting for the exact moment when they fail or grow weak. On that note it discordantly strikes and greedily feeds on the poor misfortune of that once kingly soul.
In any achievement or acclaim it feigns humility in reverential bows considering itself low while it sits with its nose on high looking down at the world. In hardships and failures it disappears into the shadows waiting to strike on the misfortunes of others to rise again; a King sitting on his throne elevated to his status by the bodies which he has devoured to get there. It is jealous of its own endeavors and envious of other’s successes. It can never be contented and is always famished, needing to feed on the misfortune of others.
People ask me why I have a hard time taking compliments and it’s because I am scared that this ugly mangy wolf will come out from hiding. I have been so scared of my own ego that I have killed all ambition lest it grow to feed it. So anytime success becomes a reality, anytime dreams seem to be within grasp, I self-sabotage for the sake of ego. I was a runner because of ego.
If another gets an audition over me how will I react?
Will I paste a fake smile on my face and offer half-hearted congratulations while stabbing them in the back with my talk of them later?
If I find another is going for the same audition will I hold back from auditioning as well?
Will I self-sabotage myself to save face lest I lose out or feign benevolence for not taking a risk to fail? Is self-sabotage anything but fuel to the fire of ego?
What a coward I have been. I act so low in feigning ignorance of keeping my ego at bay, yet while I cower it is only my ego I am feeding. Through not addressing it I am enslaving myself to its hidden desires. For it is ego to sit lower than where you are – thinking you are truly higher – as well as to be higher than where you are. Instead will I bravely sit exactly where I am?
Self-confidence is the true counter-part to ego. Achievements, acclaim, and compliments do not need to be dodged for ego’s sake but accepted for self-confidence’s sake. For as self-confidence grows the ego will be beaten back. In being confident with who and where I am I can truly admire and make soar those that rise above me, as well as lift and pull up those that are below me. The measure of a man is not found solely in his ambitions and desires but how he treats others. For what is it worth to gain the world’s possessions and fame and lose my own soul.
Nothing I can dream of for myself is worth more than the enjoyment of sharing with others. The elation in collaborating with others. The delectation of watching others succeed and prosper. The gratification of watching or helping one to rise higher than where they were yesterday. My coach has given up so much to see the future of this craft progress forward in her actors she has brought up. She has struggled with her own ambition, yet all I see is a 10 plus year program of empowered talent that is unstoppable. There is something worth more than its weight in gold of Oscars or fame.
If there is anyone who exudes self-confidence and has rooted out her own ego it is her. For now I might struggle, but one day I will win out, and every day I currently do it grows weaker. Every day I stand taller and confident in my own skin and ability is a break in the chain of the slave master of ego.