There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this…
– John Hobbes (Fallen)
For me that was yesterday, when I truly decided to give into all that I am as an artist. To give everything I have, every bit of who I am, to this craft and journey. To finally grow up and face the music.
It started with a conversation and a realization about myself. I had always claimed that I’m an all in or all out type of guy. Yet that is not entirely true. I like to always keep 1-9% in reserves. That way should I fail I can always fall back on the thought that well I didn’t really give it my all. So I can cowardly walk away with the notion that well if I really would have given it my all then I would have made it. I delude myself into accepting failure when in truth I never really failed because I never dared to risk it all.
After the conversation I realized there were only two paths now left to take. I could continue my road of accepting an idealized view of failure and move on to something else, or I could actually dare to give every bit of myself towards my passion of this craft. It was a test of my self-proclaimed passion. There were no other paths to continue on, as the truth was revealed to myself and my coach. It was decision time and truthfully I battled that decision for the hours leading up to when I went up on stage to do my work for class last night.
In my first run through I struggled. I was still battling the instinct to hold back. Luckily my coach is very adept and could see this and had me go through a second time and take my time after each beat. It was exactly what I needed. I struggled through each line and in the breaks of the beats it wasn’t just my character who was struggling to find the words, struggling to articulate and win this battle raging inside of him, but it was me as well. With every word I was putting everything of who I am on the line.
I wanted to hold back. I wanted to shut down. I wanted to not bring everything of my past, of who I am, of all my experiences good and bad, into this piece. I took my time and fought through it all. I fought through all my bullshit, all my debilitating ego, and in the end I touched something. I dug into the beginning of my well; I scratched the surface of my imagination. Through the clearing of all my own self I found that I was not empty inside, but filled with artistic creativity. There was an artist deep inside.
It was just waiting for me to uncover it, to access it and let it come and play. I have a much greater understanding now for what Stella Adler uncovered in her meeting with Stanislavski in Paris. It’s not that we shouldn’t start with ourselves and our own experiences but we cannot stop there. On certain days our own experience might feed us, while on other days it might completely abandon us. Still further, it can only provide so much.
After I finished my piece my coach told me that that was just the beginning. It was a great step forward, but now there is no going back. Now I have to ask more, to dig deeper. At first I could not comprehend how this was possible. After reflection and seeing what it was I uncovered, this well of imagination that I had kept from my work, this is of course just the beginning.
It’s the beginning for the artist inside of me, the 1-9% of myself that I have kept out of my work. In truth it is the most vital part of me in my work. There is no limit to where I could go, where any artist can go with digging into his well. Our soul is infinite and alive, and if we are brave enough to expose it to the depths we dare, there is no limit to what we can achieve in our art. The only thing holding us back is ourselves.
With this realization I have reached a turning point in my work. There is no going back, and there is no more holding back. This well is exposed now and I choose to dive head first into it and explore the infinite possibilities it contains. The hard work isn’t over, no, rather it has just begun. Anything less than last night is unacceptable. One can only move forward from here.
It does help to have amazing artistic friends and colleagues who understand and share in this struggle. So to all of you I say thank you. I would not be where I am today without your work, courage, and inspirations. You all deeply humble me.
There is a deep well of life in our imagination which stretches to depths immeasurable.