Well tonight is opening night for my stage debut. I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings for this. Should I be nervous? Should I be excited? I’ve been at a loss to feel something for it. Judging myself for not being nervous or ecstatic or anything in between. I just feel, ready. Ready for it to be over.
Last night was the last dress rehearsal, the last rehearsal period, and I’ll just say it did not go well. In my estimation a train-wreck would have been gobs more interesting. From everyone’s smiles and energy I’m pretty confident I was the only one that felt that way. I went home with the feeling that I was the debbie downer.
All I could see was the negative and of course that was completely in myself. I’m still fighting myself in every moment, still judging every action, every word. I have zero confidence in my ability to perform. Maybe the reason I don’t feel anything for tonight is because in truth I cannot wait for this show to be over so I can get back into class.
I’ve struggled so much with this production, in the aspect that it requires me as an actor to step out and be independent in every aspect of my work. There is no class to take it up in front of, no coach to get feedback from and make adjustments. All the work comes down to me, and I feel that I have failed. I haven’t even opened yet and I feel that I have failed. I have learned that I have no confidence in myself as an actor.
Even further I have no belief in myself as a person, which was all too apparent this week. I buried my Grandma this week and was asked to preside over the service. It was the first funeral I’ve done and I hope the last. I couldn’t feel anything there either. All around me my family was crying and here I was wondering why not a single tear fell down my cheek. Of course I was saddened by her passing and moved and touched by my family’s goodbyes, but inside I couldn’t help but feel a part of me was empty.
Loss was never something easy for me and of course this loss only brought me back to an all too painful loss of over 8 years. Which in turn that loss only reminded me of the loss of a dear love I abandoned 7 years ago. I felt completely alone and missed the love of two people I adored so much. Wounds burst open that I thought I had healed long ago. My heart was broken and I couldn’t sleep; I was sinking down into the depths of misery’s maelstrom.
Yet, this morning I was reminded of the belief in others towards myself. As well that what I’m about to do tonight and this journey that I have embarked on has little to do with just myself. I am a part of something bigger now. I am not alone. This weight I carry, these burdens I shoulder, and these memories that haunt me cannot continue to hold me back. I have to continue moving forward, and while each step may feel like I’m sinking further into quicksand, I have to believe there is solid ground somewhere ahead.
I’ve never been able to believe in myself, always relying on others’ belief in me. I’ve never been able to live for myself, always finding a reason to live in others. It’s long time for that to change. My hope is that in the lights and presence of an audience tonight I can find myself on stage, even if for a brief moment. That I can find some semblance of life and a belief in myself. However this ends, it is merely one part to a much bigger whole, and I cannot exasperate myself over a single grain of sand when there is a whole coast to explore.