There is held within an ambition that threatens to take control. A singular focus on an ending point. A dream to chase with reckless abandonment. My head floods with the lifeblood of fame, fortune, and notoriety. I lie awake fantasizing about where I will be in 5, 10…20 years and someday seeing my name up in the bright lights of the city of angels. I envision the journeys I will be embarking on and the accomplishments I will be reveling in.

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days.

I visit friends who have gone before and witness the joy and agony over the hustle to get there. I prepare myself for the disillusionment and heartbreak that will follow in my tread. All the while keeping my chin up to keep sight on that small glimmer of hope and faith in this craft and dream. I cast out the doubt that takes a hold within and build up the self-trust that has been beaten down. I break apart and put the pieces of myself back together, only to fall apart all over again. In the nights that my world is viewed through the hazy prisms of my tears I close my eyes to imagine that future day when I will be sitting back with confidence in my achievements. An earned rest and relaxation.

All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret

Then it happens, my perspective shifts, and I get a first hand look into the beauty of the current moment. I live it on stage with another actor in a small theatre found in an unknown city for the arts. I witness first hand the beauty of our art and what we strive for: living moment to moment. I watch my peers go up on stage and struggle to shed their insecurities and lifelong walls they’ve built up to simply play. I see the grand breakthroughs and the embittered defeats each and every night. I have the privilege to watch as unknown stars rise to unseen heights. I partake in performances hidden from the world that share a deeper truth.

I’ve spent so much time recently looking forward to what I imagined would be the good old days. Those days when I would be great. When I would be showered in applause from a full house of 500+, or receiving an award for a critically acclaimed performance. I’ve forgotten the here and now that contains precious moments to be cherished endlessly. For the days I have now are the good ole days. These moments now are the moments to be reveled in and lauded over.

‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

I sit with others as we struggle to just be. I write for three different projects and have barely a minute to spare in my day. I throw away more things than I keep—doubting my work constantly. The work I do put up only produces humiliation. I boil inside and scream with rage alone to myself. I give up. I call it quits. I hustle endlessly, seeming to see no light at the end of the tunnel. I take on too much and fail endlessly.

I also cry tears of happy joy with those I struggle with as we breakthrough our own bullshit. I receive a positive push and praise on a project, and decide to take it to the next step. I release the hold within and a creative spark is forged as I begin to write with ease. I find that I am not alone but surrounded by the greatest support group I could ever imagine. I get back up. I rise, to work again. I create my own light at the end of the tunnel. I’m inspired by those around me. I push onward. With every failure I am learning successfully.

You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone

Every day we live is a good ole day, especially the days we toil in. These tears we shed and these smiles and laughs we share are the blessed moments. I have not even begun the real hustle, I have just begun the real good ole days. There is much to look forward to, we are never finished in this craft—there is no end to what we do. So I’m not worried about what tomorrow brings. There will be plenty of time to look back later. Here and now there is something special to be had, and I want to capture it.

Good Old Days
Macklemore