It is quite a remarkable thing to lose control. Especially when in my normal life I work very hard to retain control over everything. If anything gets a little bit chaotic or discombobulated in my every day life I have to make it right. Life is a journey of creating order out of chaos, combating entropy at every turn, but it is the exact opposite with acting. In acting I want to lose control. I want to get out of my head and into the moment. That is what we strive for in our craft, to lose control; to surprise ourselves. For when we surprise even ourselves, something magical is realized. We come alive.

Last Monday I was working on Dreamer Examines his Pillow with my partner and I very distinctly remember a moment when I came alive. My partner was saying her line and without the normal processing and rigamarole that is actor listening I just simply responded. I responded with such vigor and passion that I cut myself off. I had shocked myself at my reply, and apparently my partner, for her eyes were definitely alight with the response. I had come alive as Tommy, it was surreal. I couldn’t remember cognitively the build up we had to that point but I could feel it within my soul and it’s expression tingling throughout my body.

Unfortunately my response to my shock took me out of it and I tried to anchor back in and continue the scene. It was somewhat successful. However, it was a great feeling to feel alive as the character in that moment. My coach said we would always chase those feelings and now I know why. It’s too easy for me to make acting wrote, which is uninteresting. It’s too easy for me to make acting solely technical, reciting words without life behind them. These words from our great authors are meant to be expressed through characters who are fully alive, and as is the case with real life, life is not fully within our control.