When we ourselves are struggling the best course of action can simply be to reach out a hand to another who is also struggling…

Sometimes I find myself up in the clouds, soaring high above in the work of our craft; rising to the occasion. The view is beautiful and elegant in these lofty heights, without stress or need for control, it is free. It seems effortless to fall into the skin of another person and to see the world from their point of view. To find and express the truth in yourself in such raw realism that those watching you glide majestically far up above, cannot help but be moved. These are the moments I think as being ‘wins’ but they are few and fleeting.

I flew too close to the sun.

More often than anything I find myself in the pit of despair; on the edge of quitting this craft. A place where I am questioning myself as an artist and whether this passion that burns inside of me even burns at all. Or has it rather been smothered by my own insecurities and spread outside this heart to engulf in flames all of my artistic creations. I find myself confronted face to face with my principal fear: myself.

I was just trying to be an actor, writer, and artist…but I hate what I play…what I write…what I create.

I’ve been thrown back into the pit I took most of my life to claw out of, or at least thought I had made it out of. I climb these sloped walls of this gravel pit only to slide down just within grasp of the lip. One fateful day I finally claw my way up to the lip to launch myself out, rising up high above this hole. The air is sweeter, colors more vivid, and the view absolutely breathtaking. As I float aloft my eyes drift down to behold the landscape underneath me of pit after pit after pit, for as far as the eye can see. My wings grow heavy from the weight of this burden of artistic growth and as they fail me I descend down into another gravel pit.

I ain’t scared of living…

Yet, I do not falter…I do not give up. For the first time in my life I have realized I am truly not alone. For in that brief moment of soaring up there in those bright clouds I looked down and saw my fellow man. As I descend back down and settle in this new pit I am greeted with the smile and tears of another artist. So that while my eyes long for the clouds above and I grow weak and hopeless from falling back into this desolate landscape, I am pulled up by my fellow artist.

What are we breathing for?

As we struggle together to ascend out of this pit to reach those great heights of our art above we give strength and comfort to each other. That while one might fall a hand is always there, extended, to lift us back up again; to keep climbing. Or even when we are so bone tired that we can only rest in the crux of this hole our eyes can look up and behold those that have made it out to fly high above. Their glorious wings and displays of excellence inspiring motivation within our hearts, lifting us up to climb again. Waiting for the day when we will soar again, and we will soar.

No one is spared the artistic struggle, no one.
– Brandy Hotchner

The wins are not when we find ourselves up in the sky flying freely as Icarus but every day in those pits when we continue to struggle. When we continue fighting and persevering. The wins are in those moments when we hate everything about our work and ourselves, when we’re on the verge of giving it all up, but we don’t. The win is every day we face ourselves and fears, with heartbreak and tears, and press on. I have found it helps immensely to know too, that we are not alone in this struggle.

To be alone in this craft is artistic suicide.

Two nights ago I was sitting in a small black box theater awaiting an experimental production of Shakespeare’s The Comedy of Errors. This small Phoenix theater was fully packed with an audience in May and had no air conditioning. It was stifling and stuffy in there to say the least. What was refreshing was the production that unfolded before me. I watched actors who boldly played and took risks, sometimes failed, but were always engaged and energized in their performance. It was a true delight to behold. I was inspired.

I feel like I talk about humility a lot and well maybe that’s because I am constantly humbled by my fellow actors. I also feel as though I often talk on my personal struggle in acting in regards to getting over myself. While I tire of those discussions they really are my truth for that moment. The main fault in those struggles is that I have turned inward in my craft. I have turned the focus away from the work and joy of the outward expression of our craft and focused solely inward, making it all about me. My self-indulgence only begets frustrations and unhealthy failures as I continue to slide deeper and deeper down this dark internal downward spiral.

While that path of self destruction is hard to break I can always count on my love of this craft to win out. Even more so it is through the experience of watching my fellow colleagues and other actors bravely play that I am freed from this unholy charm. I am humbled and reminded again why I feel so called to this craft. There is something within me that cannot stay hidden.

I had a great night last night full of wondrous play and exploration and I need to own that triumph. I need to remember this feeling and lock it in for where I always want to act out from. More so I have realized again that this wonderful gift that we hold inside ourselves as artists is not meant for us alone. It is meant to be shared in all its splendor and glory. I am meant to showcase all my shades of grey and the magnificent beauty they contain.

It might be hard to view myself in such a light, to see such worth inside of myself, but it is there. It’s long overdue that I own that and then share it. I will always be grateful and indebted to my fellow actors for their bravery and inspiration that causes me to then want to share in return. Each one of us has been called to this craft for a reason and we each have something great within us that is so much bigger than ourselves. May we always have the bravery and inspiration to get up and play!

I have become so frustrated with myself: with my acting training. There are times when I have fun but most of the time as of late it has been anything but exuberance. I feel as though I’ve lost the joy of acting. Most of my time is spent trying to push through, to not shut down, to not beat myself into a pulp. It seems like every night I am picking myself up from off the floor and with each time I get up slower and slower, more bruised and battered. It’s exhausting.

There are a myriad of things causing this—and to be honest I don’t care too much to try and navigate through them all. I have no motivation to reach some grand breakthrough. I have hit the wall that I have hit all my life. So what follows: defiance, rebellion, and all the ugly shades of myself I hide away. In the end though I just want to play. I just want to find the joy of being at the beginning all over again. I want to go back to that wide-eyed boy that came in soaking wet out from the rain, knowing no one, and wanting to just simply act.

I believe I can and I believe I will. I’m so tired of my own ego getting in the way—thinking I’m some “veteran” in these classes, like I know anything. We have peaks and we have valleys and currently I am in a valley and I have to admit that I am OK with that. Will I be here forever, no. Will I grow to a new peak and hit another plateau and go through this cycle all over again, yes. Through it all though my goal is to always remain this wondrous awe-struck child. I’m tired of letting my pain, my ego, my self-hatred and loathing, keep me from what I love.

I love being a child, I love getting messy. I yearn to get up and play with no concept of right or wrong—just pure joyous freedom. There is no one stopping me from that but myself and so it’s time to let that go: to shed away that holding. I have made my acting training too personal. A child may get sad, hurt, and upset, but in the very next instant they are laughing and playing again. There is no time for self-pity and mutilation.

Deep down through the muddled darkness of my soul I have found my inner-child once again. Now it is time to let him out to play again. To see this world and craft we hold dear in all its awe-struck wonder. May I always peer through the eyes of a child in my acting.

How good it feels to get out of my head and just play. Meisner was very much on to something when saying the greatest threat to actors was their self-consciousness. That if actors could just get out of their heads and stop their self-judgments they all could be great.

This week started off with me very much in my head. I was very critical, judgmental, demanding, and conscious of myself. Through all that it was impossible for me to just play on the stage. I was stuck serving myself and my own ideas rather than stepping into the life and skin of another human being to serve the play. As actors our job is to first and foremost serve the play.

And in serving the play I must realize that there is no direct way into the life of a character I am playing. There is a “method,” yes, but it’s riddled with twists and turns. There are many facets to a character and play and those are discovered, often times through many failures. My coach has always described it as a sandbox and that I need to get in there and just play as I once did when I was a kid. As someone has told me, it isn’t called a play for no reason

I forget to play too often. Monday was the come down of that. However, Tuesday led to improv which is my favorite class. I always feel free to play in improv. One cannot put any forward thinking of ideas or contrivances into play with improv because it’s all made up. I never feel pressure to judge or critique myself because I have to be present in the moment with my scene partner(s) as we figure out this journey one line at a time.

In reflecting on that and my Monday struggle with method class I realized that I had stopped playing. And an actor that has stopped playing has stopped creating; I had killed my craft. Wednesday I had another scene and I decided to just play. I threw off all the work I had done on the scene and trusted it to be there for me and show up in the work and instead to focus mainly on playing. To focus on my scene partner, the given circumstances, and to play the life outside the lines.

The scene came alive. As I came alive my partner came alive, and as she grew more alive I in turn grew more playful. It was a chain reaction of play that created a beautiful scene. Which was still in service of the play through our prior work and study that came through. Thursday was the same in playing Petruchio—a character who can only be portrayed with playful attitude—I came alive once again. It was exhilarating, enlightening, fun, and most importantly my play allowed me to truly breathe life into this character beyond written words on a page.

Acting is behavior. That has been grilled into me constantly. It’s not about the lines, yet it is all about the lines. As actors our job is to serve the play and the lines by breathing the life of the character into them. We bring the life outside the lines, outside the given circumstances. We bring the behavior, and without playing there is no behavior. There is just a wooden actor on stage.

I must always remember to play. Even when life makes it hard. Even when it hits close to home. Acting is brave work and it is playful work. May we always be kids in a sandbox.

If you had the chance to touch greatness would you reach out and grab it, or shrink away…

I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. I mean I get it, I get so overwhelmed with feelings that my body shuts down. It’s an ingrained learned response to keep me from feeling. For feelings usually lead to depression—and I don’t want to go back there. Yet, obviously, if I’m not feeling then I cannot react and therefore cannot possibly act.

This is my struggle and will continue to be for the rest of my life in this craft. So far I have been more successful than not but last night I failed completely. I could not navigate through the many corridors of my soul. I could not isn’t right; I made a conscious decision not to. I sabotaged myself and my work. Worse than that I ruined a night for my scene partner. Not allowing her to work as I couldn’t get into the work with her. I disrespected my coach who was trying to work through this with me by building up walls and refusing to give into the exercises.

It was selfish. It was childish. I still have not fully grown up. In truth I was hoping last night that because of my actions, failings, and attitude my coach would kick me out of class. That I could then tell myself I’m not good enough, that this isn’t for me, and go back to whatever life I had before entering this craft. This is where I always end up eventually with everything I begin to love doing. When talent and work begin to show up with results and progress emerging forth, I crush it. I murder it.

I cannot seem to accept goodness or greatness in myself. My identity is that of an empty shell. This is my true struggle, seeing myself for the great man I am instead of the despondent shadow I cling to. Some of that is survivor’s guilt. The past still haunts me even when I should be long past it. Some of that is pride, or reverse pride, in wanting to see myself as lesser than what I am. As though that secretly makes me greater than everyone around me…ego. A lot of this is just me fighting myself.

I must always keep fighting. This battle I am embroiled in cannot get the better of me again. I can accept struggles, setbacks, mistakes…failures. I cannot accept giving up. I want to give up so bad right now. Every fiber of my being cries out in pain to just quit. Through all that I have no choice but to continue forward; onward into this unknown I have never pushed myself towards before.

Yesterday was the final day of shooting for my first film project. I have so many things I want to say about this experience and yet I’m sitting here struggling to articulate any of it. I wrote last week that this whole thing started off as a “hot mess” but this past weekend it ended much differently.

Saturday was hands down our best day of filming. We flew through scenes left and right. Leading up to that it helped that my costar and I rehearsed through all the scenes. I love film and I understand the nature of the beast in that when it’s film day it’s all about getting the shot. There is no time for rehearsals, you show up ready to work. So I am very much thankful to my partner that we could again put in the time to get the work done beforehand. Through that we were able to knockdown multiple scenes in multiple takes on Saturday.

It’s also very apparent to me how unwieldy a project can become to manage when there are too many people or highly involved set locations. A skeleton crew with two principal actors works really well. Granted more people are necessary for bigger shots and productions, and I would never wish to not have filmed with my kids, but the more people the more complexity. This business demands organization and problem solving for when the inevitable change comes to pass. An actor must be extremely adaptable. If one is lucky enough they will have the great fortune to work with another actor that is willing to prepare and work before hand.

Sunday was a lot of fun as well. We moved out to more locations and added on some more actors and extras. It was a surreal day. I didn’t want it to end. The last shot was the most surreal of all. I think it worked out really well in the sense that what I was feeling as Tyler meshed up nicely with what my character Chris was feeling. How do you explain the feeling of seeing your kids 10 years later (after having progressed into a much better life and car, which the thought behind is still funny to me) after having abandoned them? How do you explain the feeling of wrapping up a movie in which these people who started off as strangers have now become like family, or having made such a strong and unique bond with a fellow actor?

It’s hard to just say “that’s a wrap” and then go your separate ways. As it is, this is of course not goodbye—I’m no good with goodbyes anyways—but a look forward. There is already talk of future plans and projects. The networking has begun and for that I am really glad. While I am very sad that it is all over I am truly elated and humbled to have taken part in this small independent short film. We created art, we did the work, and I have made lifelong friends and memories. However this turns out after post will be secondary to the experience of creating this.

I will definitely be glad to share my work with those that are able to watch it but that will be another blog post for another time. For now “that’s a wrap” for my first film project but it’s a beginning to so many other things. I am truly blessed to be doing what I’m doing.