When a scene ends it’s always a little hard to let go. Especially a scene where you’ve truly grown in, sunk your teeth into the work, and started to truly merge that character with yourself. You’re leaving a little bit of yourself behind as you continue to move forward into a different character.

You’re also leaving behind a partner and another character they’ve grown to inhabit. A journey ends with someone where you both have struggled, failed, and rejoiced together many times over. I can’t help but feel like I’m leaving a little bit of myself behind; someone I’ve grown to love in all their faults and wonders. Someone in who I have opened the floodgates to certain truths and vulnerabilities inside for an audience to see. It’s like saying goodbye to an old friend, and I was never one who was good at saying goodbyes. I hope we see each other again sometime soon.

Yet, onward we must move into a new piece and character. While it might be hard to say goodbye, I really do love this aspect of the work too. I love it because it keeps things changing. This hunger for this craft grows in me with every new scene and character I get to take on. It’s a new challenge and opportunity to take everything I have learned and built upon in the past and put into this new creation. Another piece of my heart and soul gets to be stretched and infused in this character and more vulnerabilities are pressed to come to the surface.

It’s the true beauty of our art in my eyes. Each character becomes a new canvas to paint on with the colors of our soul. Every new character is a new experience of growth, like a hermit crab slowly moving into larger and larger shells. In that same vain though our progress can permeate backwards into our older characters as we step back into their skin and stretch it out with more experiences, work, and soulful color. So in a way we never truly say goodbye. Our work is ever moving forward and as such our characters are ever growing with us.

This goodbye then is rather temporary. A reprieve to continue growing as an artist and when the time comes to once again step into the life of File there will be more to fill it. So do not fret my friend, I will never truly say goodbye to you. For even if I wanted to how could I? You have become me and I have become you.

Why are we so hesitant to drag out of us, from deep within, this connection to our work? Why must I force someone else to draw out greatness from within me? I feel it’s a childish rebellion I put on. Is this an ugly side of ego which makes one work for the greatness within and if one isn’t willing to work for it, or draw it out, then they aren’t worthy to behold it? Very childish indeed. Or rather, am I still stuck in this classic rut where I cannot believe in myself unless another believes in me? That I cannot see the greatness within until someone else sees it for me and makes me believe.

I feel it is definitely the latter type of fault. A deep craving of validation yearns inside this darkened soul that has been so rife with self-deprecating nature. Yet I know, that until I can truly believe in myself, and that greatness within, that I will be nothing in my work. Others can realize it, see it, even few can pull it out, but if I cannot do that in it of myself than I am nothing. Then I would simply be a puppet with strings to a master who could wonderfully wield me or tear me down to the worst of forms.

The worst is I can feel it too. I can feel right when the performance starts that I am hidden inside, undiscovered, not wanting to come out to play. I must figure out why this happens. I must tear apart these insecurities and worthless derogatory forms that I have developed in myself. I must begin to see myself in a new light. It would be more ego and more harmful to hide behind this veneer of humility, hiding what is inside, then to accept what and who I am and let all that out to play.

I have an amazing coach who sees the full extent of potential inside each of her pupils. Yet, I will not have her there to always pull out what is within me, and neither should I rely on that, or be content with that. For no one can truly know the extent of who you are devoid of all your experiences and subconscious workings. We must realize the potential within ourselves and seek relentlessly to pour that forth, unabashed, and unashamed. The stage demands nothing less. We must all begin to see ourselves in new shades of light. Taking in the good with the bad and all the variations in between. We are human, we are faulty, and we are beautiful!

I love the sound of rain. The soft pitter patter of rain drops as they drum across the landscape elicits feelings of cool calmness. A sort of awareness one gets when sitting alone with their thoughts for too long. It’s in these reflective moments that the worries and trepidations of life cease to bore through my mind and I can simply breathe. Life has a way of becoming overladen with responsibilities, judgements, insecurities, and a whole host of other things that produce dissonance within the soul and mind.

Researches have looked into studying the affect of nature on man and how we should take time to reconnect. Which is why I love rain so much. I have never lived in a place that has received much rain throughout the year, so when it does come it’s a fresh relief. A time to stop and listen; to connect back with a part of this natural world and one full of such life giving power. Rain is beautiful to me.

I have come to learn that the true artist reflects nature; that is what we work for in method acting, to hold up a mirror to nature. In this process I have found as well the same kind of connection and relation to nature as with stopping to look up into the falling rain. It causes me to reflect and take stock on life and all its intricacies. The burdens of life fade away and one can almost hear the voice of God I believe. Humanity, its spirit, power, and life-force vibrate in great fields of energy throughout the actor. The stage gives me a true space to be free; it’s addicting.

I can start off a night like tonight completely overtaken with life, and go up on that stage and fail, utterly. Yet, in that next moment I can go back up there and channel all of life into my work and be transformed. It’s a choice we make, what we play. Will life get the better of us or will we allow the stage to help us conquer it. I believe, along with my Coach, that if you show up long enough, you will win. You will find that moment of release and complete freedom where nature is reflected and it becomes art and you can just simply, be!

Man is free at the moment he wishes to be
-Voltaire

Our greatest enemy, combatant, nemesis, is no farther than a look in the mirror. I have been in my own way my entire life, tripping myself at nearly every step. To truly be free is to be free of ourselves. To stop holding ourselves back and being afraid of who we are. We have everything inside of us to let go and pour forth out the art and creativity that is blossoming inside of us. To distill these chains and barriers we put up that hold us back from our true potential.

This past week I tasted a small bit of that freedom. It was so sweetly empowering. To behold just the beginning or basis of what I can accomplish when I am out of my own way. To witness the person I can truly become if I can let go and reach out and in and pour forth unadulterated what is truly in my soul. There is a deeper connection formed to everything. Everything changes, all outlook and thoughts.

There are things I must shed and it is hard but it becomes easier when looking at what this freedom begins to shed light on. Darkness and light intertwine into a beautiful palette of colours. Something that we wished to hide can be the defining colour that brings everything to life. There is no going back after this; a new fire emerges, the passion intensifies. This is how we know that we cannot do anything else; it permeates every thought and essence of life we live.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t scared. I have so many fears and vulnerabilities that fill every nook and cranny of my mind and so many questions. I cannot answer 2% of them and all I know is I have to go up and infuse myself into a role and express them all there. I just wish to be free and fly among the stars.

There are times when we are forced to stand face to face with our weaknesses, faults, shortcomings, and ugliness. Too often we shrug these moments off and dodge them, creating defense mechanisms to deny the truth exposed so that we can go on living our safe and precious lives. It’s a form of rebellion against ourselves and it can be internally bloody in its own way. A war of cognitive dissonance that forms inside of us in which we must at all costs resolve so as not to lose our delicate psyches.

Then there are times when we cannot simply continue with our defense mechanisms. Where faced with our ugly self we grow tired and weary of side-stepping it and instead look to embrace and understand it, for it is truly us after all. It is in these times when a revolution of self can truly take hold. When we can make actual forward progress as a person by accepting ourselves in all our faults and failures, shortcomings and weaknesses. This is a revolution and overthrow of ourselves and what emerges on the other side is something new, something beautiful. Only then can we begin to move forward into new horizons.

I was stuck in a rebellion on Thursday. I was frustrated with my lack of progress on a Shakespeare scene. I couldn’t seem to get any true emotion in play as well I was failing my partner. I decided to play in a new sandbox as well and it completely failed me. Sitting down in reflection I begun to realize that what I was playing was the safe outward defense mechanism. My cool and nonchalant attitude was actually my public defense mechanism against these ugly feelings inside. This moment in Hamlet called for a true personal moment, how I really feel on the inside and express in the privacy of my own room quite often. It’s a bear of a moment in time and my sandbox play was actually a defense mechanism of not being in that moment.

My coach was right, it didn’t fit the given circumstances. Yet, I only wished to rebel. I did not want to accept the truth or go anywhere near playing it. So I sat and sulked; poor pitiful me. My time was up and I was ready to sulkily write the rest of the class until I could go home and vent properly before exasperating myself to sleep. Yet that was not the actual development of this story. Instead I was called up to go again with a different partner for this scene.

Inside I wanted to rebel. I wanted to pout my way through it. I wanted to throw and sabotage the scene because hey, well that’s just normal human defense mechanisms. Protect ourselves at all costs. Yet that was not the actual development of this story. Instead I opted for a revolution, which I’ll truthfully admit came out of a little spite. I thought to myself, “Oh you want the truth? You want to see this side of the character? Fine.” It was quite childish I have to admit but we can become such children when trying to protect ourselves.

I took a breath and with that relaxed into a scene that formed a revolution inside of me. I don’t remember or recall how the scene went specifically for I was more focused on my partner than I had ever been. The scene was there, new things happened, new discoveries were made, but more importantly I played through my own ugliness and brought all of me into the scene. Was it some beautiful display of a Tony Award winning scene, of course not. But it was progress; a revolution of myself.

I’m beginning to realize that these walls we hit in our personal growth and artistic progress are simply defense mechanisms and ugly characters of ourselves that we must confront. That the only way to break through a wall is to have an internal revolution. This is no easy task and by no means does simply recognizing this fact cause one to enter into enlightenment and full artistic prowess. For these walls are still there and more will come in the future. But to know what it takes to break through them and to make that conscious step to move forward, I feel, is a key piece of knowledge. I know now what must be done, the trick now is pushing through when any wall comes up. To be in a constant state of revolution with ourselves so as to always be moving forward.

It is also important to note that revolution does not imply bloody but rebellion does. Every time we rebel against ourselves we tear apart our souls and artistically this is devastating. Revolution is simply a turn around; instead of running from our selves we instead turn to embrace and continue on. May we always be in revolution of ourselves!