I feel trapped in my own body. I feel as though I have this understanding and creative energy expressing itself in my mind and soul but when it comes to the surface to be expressed in the body it is all wrong. Like I am a newborn foal struggling desperately to walk but stumbling and falling incessantly. I can comprehend and understand what needs to be there but my body is disconnected.
I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’m a very good actor. I don’t seem to have the voracity of appetite for it as others do. I don’t seem to have much innate talent towards it. It feels like the harder I try the worse I get, but in not trying it doesn’t magically come either. I just feel very lost in it all. So it begs the question at these times of why the hell am I doing this?
I know in explaining all this as such to others they would look at me quizzically and ask me, “Why don’t you just quit?” Which don’t get me wrong, I ask myself that all the time. Why am I doing this? Why do I go back after getting yelled at? Why do I continue on when failing miserably? What even interests me in something I don’t seem to be good at?
One would think there would be some great answer to the why. The crazy beautiful thing is, I don’t have any answer to that. I used to write down the ‘reasons’ why I act, but when faced with these times those go out the window. I only know that I cannot not do it. It doesn’t make sense logically but I’ve stopped trying to be logical about this craft of acting. I have no idea what I am doing, and more often than late I struggle severely and feel utterly alone. Despite all that something inside me grows and burns greater for this craft.