I love nothing more than a good ol’slice of some humble pie. It helps me to come back to the core of everything when I stray too far in my pride. Whether that’s through pride of thinking I’m too good or through trying to sabotage myself to be less than I am.

My acting coach always said that actors are humble, and I believe that true actors, true artists are that! I’ve been struggling with envy towards my fellow actors and friends as of late. Much in part because I’m insecure in my acting ability and not where I had envisioned myself to be in my current acting journey.

In that I lost sight of why I act, the joy, the passion, the love of it. I let it get clouded by frustration and envy, instead of appreciating art and being inspired and happy. It’s not a good road to go down and I feel it kills the artist and creative side. True artists must be humble. That’s how we are free to get inspired and work.

Today was a good day. While I didn’t do anything acting wise I was able to reflect and observe the world around me. It helped bring me back to my core and why I’m choosing this path. I feel free, happy, and inspired again. Realizing that this has nothing to do with me or my ego, but of the artist within me.

Even now I get a little taste of what it is like to let go and just be, and that’s what we’re always after.

I failed in acting tonight. In the worst way too. I was too safe. There was no creativity, no playing, no art. I’m beginning to feel like there is no artist in me, no hope for me. That I’ll never be anything but a dead wooden actor, which is not an actor and definitely not an artist.

Yet, I can’t give up, as there is nothing else. There is nothing else to run to, and I refuse to give up. Maybe I’m stubbornly stupid and will amount to nothing, and I’m fine with that. As with the man who spends his entire life waiting for the cherry blossom and never seeing it, it is not a life wasted to me.

I guess what is happening instead is all these illusions of grandeur, all this ego is being stripped away. And my heart and true passion is being tested. It hurts, it sucks. I want validation so bad, but I know that will only be a death sentence. Validation can only come from within me, and that takes work. It’s not there yet, and it might be a long while till it comes but I’m patient.

If I never leave the red room it will not be a life wasted.

I feel like writing but I don’t know what to say. I talked about hustle in my last post and I feel like I don’t know the first thing about hustling. Sometimes I feel like I have all this great wisdom to share and experiences to tell but it’s all conjectured madness from a naive and ideological amateur, and that I know nothing. I hate searching for validation from other people yet I yearn for it because I cannot find the validation in it of myself. I hate feeling like a “dysfunctional, insecure” actor and yet at the same time that can just be the bloody truth.

Yet all I know is that this drive and passion remains in my soul to pursue this craft of acting. Although I feel as though others are passing me up like I’m going in reverse, I’ve still never wanted this or anything more in my life. I appreciate these times and melancholy feelings for the very least in that they dispel any illusions of grandeur. Even so I must be careful not to internalize my acting, passions, desires, and feelings.

For the prize isn’t anything out in the world but hidden in my self. As Kevin Spacey said, “to want is not enough, that’s just desire”, I know what I want and have my own specific goals. Regardless of the opportunities that I come upon and succeed or fail in I have my goals and I recognize the talent within myself. For that, and that alone, I will dedicate everything to seeing that talent be expressed fully, openly, and without bounds.