I hear the rain falling down in the background, the air filled with the faint smell of the freshly burdened ground, suffocating my nostrils as they desperately try to ease the growing anxiety within. My visage presents an outward lie to the world of cool demeanor while the memory of you boils up from below. You always knew how best to get to me and every time it rains I cannot help but think of you.

I’ve shrouded you in the black cloth of the pain that struck me most. Not a fair or fitting facade to fix your memory in, but I swore to one already that I would never forget and I cannot bring myself to wrestle with two haunting memories of a time I’d rather repose to ruins. Yet, I can never forget you. You stalk the maze of my mind, a gallant ghost, haunting these horrid halls; a reminder of what can never be forgotten, promise or not.

I was broken, and thus you were shattered. I couldn’t face myself and so ran from you. A melancholy morning in which not just two lives but two loves were lost. You suffered the cost of collateral damage from a coward you couldn’t console. Now as I look out into the rain it’s the reflection of your face I see. I try to speak but my voice fails me. Surrendering to the knowledge that you are better off without me and happier as just a distant memory.

After running away most of my life, I made a decision to run towards what haunts me instead, and it has been the greatest regret of my life. I’ve thrown my life to the mercy of the authorities once before and tonight was another chance to do it. I could end it all with one sentence and burn out and disappear. I’ve played the scenarios over and over in my head.

It would be all too easy. Ditch the sim card and current carrier to gain a new lease on life with a new number no one past knew. Drop the job and everything I have here. Drive up North to a little place where I have a job waiting for me if I needed it. Clean up the social media contact or ditch social media once and for all and setup a new email. That’s really all there is to it.

I could take up the simple life again. I once lived it for a glorious 6 months and ruined it to chase a dying dream. I don’t think you understand me, everything I lived so far in this city is a lie. I am not the man you suspect me to be. The only solace you will understand is that I am too much a coward to follow through. So a life that is a lie I will continue to live but I will fail one day; and on that day it will be goodbye forever.

I was flying. Coursing high above these mercurial clouds. Lost in a majestic sea of atmosphere so thin and pure. A razor’s edge of firmament between me and these silhouetting stars sequestered in space. A place where each breath is filled with an electric charge, energizing the mind, body, and soul. Above and apart with the perfect view filtered through these enlightened eyes. I was alive.

I would love to take you there.

Then I fell. Not because I was Icarus, I was flying right where I needed to be. Rather, I was struck by dear cupid’s arrow; a shot that pierced straight to my heart. My breath caught and my wings folded as I cascaded down, diving like a hawk in hunt. I sunk through the misty mercurial clouds that dared not more firmly form to catch me in their grasp. Then I fainted.

I made a promise to you long ago.

When I awoke my heart sunk. The pockmarked landscape of endless pits did greet my eyes. I was back amidst the desolate landscape I had toiled to leave. My fingers coursed through the blackened sand that would be my knell. I was stuck sinking in these pits of despair once more. The coy cupid would not have shot his arrow had he known the lay of land beneath these contemptuous clouds. I once more crawled up the familiar hole to take a peek next over by. Hoping that it was just my soul that was stolen from the sky. When I saw she too had fallen my eyes leaked out my soul and I let go.

But for her the story doesn’t end there.

After a time an Angel descended. I saw him land in the pit next over by. I struggled to climb up the pit to see what was taking place but the wretched sand sunk me quicker with each fervent fling of my limbs. As I sunk back down deeper I saw them, the angel and sad soul next over by, but now she was smiling. He wrapped her in his arms and bore her up above the shadowy silver laced clouds back into the heavens. She was saved; I smiled. These four cranes crafted from wounded words and a second rate rose that you will never know, shall be my quilt to quietly hide these tears. After a time I forgot even her.

I am an old fool who plays with machinations of younger men. I still fall for the traps laid out for me a decade ago: learning nothing from the envious ghosts who riddle my past. I hear the tocsin toll, resonating through my heart, as the walls begin to stagger up to dam the growing tide of emotion erupting forth.

It feels much better to know, that you won’t feel a thing.

Time has slowly constructed me another defense; the separation of concerns of the heart. No longer am I paralyzed by these feelings. No longer is my brain gripped by the long dark fingers of dread. These walls have grown stronger due to time and faster in response. This smile has perfected its veneer to hide the surging self-contempt. These extraocular muscles have swelled to pry this gazing eye away from the single object of intent. The well has grown deeper to swallow the serendipitous sacrilege of her form.

Everybody wants to see the worst in you.

Limiting love for a lustrum I cannot allow myself to be taken again. The visage she has so elegantly laid in the caverns of my heart must be carved out. For of all the things that have been shed off, all the vulnerabilities that have been allowed to come to play; this single one, must never from shadow reveal. For then my heart would be empty and the truth would out, that I have a hollow heart, and nothing to give: neither to audiences nor to her.

And just like that two titillating acts lead to a disappointing third.

Standing here in the dark I created
Stark contrast to what my heart related.
The tear of your stare strikes through to my heart,
As I depart from your care, here apart.

I long for the voice who I gave no choice;
That strong and brave who at first did rejoice,
To belong in a world where dreams came true.
Left with broken seams of what we did lose.

These words just misbehave to a poem that spells out my grave.
I groan here alone as I am forced to atone for the stone that has taken over my heart.
Every stroke on these keys stoke the fire inside as I realize the liar I’ve become.
There is nowhere left to run, as going outside just means fighting everyone.

The struggle in my heart is a cudgel to my brain as I simply refrain from feeling inside.
What more could I dictate that wouldn’t cause more heartache, as it is myself I despise.

As I rise from this half empty bed the memory of you lingers on my heart as my eyes adjust to this transfer of worlds. My legs have no will to stand up on themselves. Reclining back I wish again for the world I awoke from. Phantom sensations spread through my hair and down my neck; my hand reaches out for the warmth it once knew but now only finds solemn chill. These pools of blue find only darkness enticing them back again to deep slumber.

I try to speak out but find hollow words filled with no breath. I look to write but every word fails just as pen reaches paper. This love has blossomed in a desert: containing nothing worth sharing. There is no forward direction to go. I am utterly alone with a profound longing for her, who can never see this place. This cruel mistress of the heart has cursed me to wander ever close, hiding in her shadows; never a path to come out into the light.

Her eyes search for something that is not there. She smiles at the globes of light encircling her, illuminating her splendor. Their soft rays being dwarfed by the beauty that enfolds her. Her hands make contact with solid instruments of the heart providing a resplendent aura that further casts out shadows of her soul. Deep within a longing grows for a hidden feeling within; something foreign and untouchable, deep and subconscious—an unknown taste on the back of the tongue.

I move with every move she makes. I rise with every jubilant exaltation and fall with each dispirited moment she encounters. I am closer to her than anyone can ever know but cursed to be farther than anyone will ever know. If only there was a way for shadow to mix with light. The smile in her eyes when all the lights around her dim and she is alone in the shadows entreats my soul. A slow drift off into the only world we can come together in.

With eyes afresh and open I examine my own irradiated state. Destined to always be a faded reflection of that which I can never know. These ill-starred eyes enraged by the fact that our worlds cannot collide. This heart must be torn and tossed to the side, left to be forever forgotten. Even wholly hollowed out their exists a yearning for your eyes in mine. Forever haunted by the three words we can never share.