Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.
-Theodore Roosevelt

This journey has been anything but easy. I recall the pureness I came into this on my first read through in my very first class. I felt electrified, alive; full of something I had never been filled with in my life, a passion. This continued on into my first assigned monologue. The work was all there and things were simple in a sense but truth was evident.

Fast forward to last night and I feel things have extended away from me. That every monologue for the past year after that first monologue has been me chasing that truth and finding nothing but failure. I’ve learned a lot about this craft and read many plays and books in this past year to only have me progress backwards it seems. My intellect has taken over and I dream about great rehearsals. I imagine the perfect delivery of the lines, and the perfect behavior and action comes to life in my mind, but when I actually try to live it and express it through the body I fail utterly.

While my frustrations mount every Monday and I feel like I’m progressing backwards more than I’m progressing forward, I feel called to this the more so. I cannot articulate it or reason it out. I hope one day to find my truth in these pieces again. To unlock this artist inside me and let it shine. For now I struggle, and with much struggle comes much pain. Which is something I’m well acquainted with. For on the other side of this is something beautiful and even in the muck it is a worthy struggle. If I were to spend my life in this struggle never finding that truth again I would account it a life lived well and not wasted.

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.”
Earl Nightingale

It seems sometimes you risk going a completely different direction and it benefits you nothing. If anything it gets you chewed out and feeling pretty terrible about your work. But that’s not even the worst of it. I hate feeling like I let my scene partner down and last night I did. I don’t know what we did, I can assure you it wasn’t the play, but why did it go the way that it did? I don’t even know what was so wrong about it; and that is what kills me.

It was obvious that it was wrong but I cannot articulate why. Which leaves me back to square one in that I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like I take one step forward only to go 10 steps backwards. The same thing happened with another scene of mine this week. I let my partner down again. My work was lazy, glib, and not truthful to the given circumstances. I played in a direction that was all wrong. I didn’t earn anything of what I was saying.

Why do I keep going down these paths? What keeps me from putting my truth in the given circumstances? Why am I doing this? There is so much frustration in all of this and so much doubt. I have developed so little faith in my acting abilities. People who have come after me are taking leaps and bounds in progress ahead of me. But that’s the thing, I cannot compare myself or my journey to anyone else.

This is a big struggle and sometimes it seems like it has won and all I want to do is quit and give up. But that is just simply not an option. Should this have been me from even a couple years ago and I would have. So I am very thankful for coming to acting when I did. This race is far from over and even still just yet beginning. So I’m struggling, so I’m failing to process and understand at times, so I’m failing to keep up with some of my peers, so I’m failing to be that actor and artist I can be in this time, place, and moment? So what of it all? One has to be invested in their dreams for the long run, the present struggle and doubt is not a reflection of the long haul, unless one quits.

I have no idea what I’m doing. Back to square one. I have entered into self destruct mode. I’ve never made it past this point in anything. At least from here, if I make it past this, it’s all new things!

I would be lying if I didn’t say that my journey through acting had not been rough as of late; feeling stuck in my acting, smothering my creativity through defense mechanisms which only leads to frustration. To eating big portions of humble pie as I struggle to stop comparing my current work to others’ best work. It has been a ride of ups and downs and what seems like mostly downs as of late.

But last night was a break away from that, and not just in the sense that something came through for me. No, rather last night was a rare occasion and opportunity where art truly lived and breathed through everyone in that small red room. Where everyone showed up and stepped out to be brave and truthful in every action, behavior, and word. It was quite breathtaking. There was a beautiful scene displayed, mixed with gorgeous and touching monologues. It was a divine moment.

To be a part of that communal sharing of art and truth was a breath of fresh air, and reminded me of why I do this. Why I suffer through the long nights, the endless frustrations, the facing of all facets of my life and self-particularly the bad parts, the despair, the rejection, and the constant struggle of ‘showing up’. Because in a moment, if one is prepared and willing, there can live such beauty in truth that affects the soul in a divine way. To be a part of that is humbling.

I believe that it cannot be expressed through mere words, on why we who journey down this path choose this journey, or feel called to this craft. It can only be experienced. And when that experience comes, of living and experiencing the beauty of truth in acting, then and only then will you know if this is truly for you.

My coach has always told us that successful actors must hustle. I experienced the pure truth of this just yesterday. I’m a year and a month into this great passionate journey of mine, and this past year has had its ups and downs. There have been plenty of struggles amidst a few breakthroughs that never seemed to take hold. As the title of this blog puts forth I have endured with much grit.

Even still I could not be happier and more excited for entering into my second year of this journey. Looking forward was simply the acceptance that many years would come with just purely enhancing my knowledge and application of this beautiful craft. I had become ‘ok’ with the simple idea that I might never leave the confines of our sacred red room and that my work may never progress outward into the world. I was happy with that because for me the focus had purely become about the dedicated devotion to the craft of acting.

While that is still very much the case this journey does not lend one to simple straightforward paths. I was contacted for an audition opportunity for a local theatre play production A Few Good Men. This would be my first audition, and I had no idea where to even begin. I went over my sides for the 2 parts I was auditioning for. The part that my friend had suggested me for I felt comfortable with and didn’t put much work into it. The other role I struggled with for 2 long nights. I never landed on a rehearsal that I ever liked; we can be such dejected directors at times. Yet, I probably played more in this role and side than anything I had done before.

The next morning I went to my audition and did the part I was recommended for first. It was forgettable to say the least. I volunteered to go up with the next role, and well all I can really say on that is that afterwards I was asked to stay and was immediately given the part. It was a rush and blur that I had never quite experienced; an exhilarating and catatonic euphoria. It took awhile to fully hit me. It makes sense though, the work was in there as I struggled with it the most. Now I’m in my first humble play, in a role I wasn’t supposed to be considered for, and it’s becoming my favorite role at the moment.

Now this was a couple weeks ago. While there was extra work and time devoted to getting into this play and will be future time devoted to the production of this play it was only the beginning of the chaos and hustle. Just yesterday I was again approached and inquired on, for creating an audition tape for a tv show/film pilot that will be filming in 2 weeks. I had just that night to put together a video audition for a scene side and go over the pilot script. Last night was a late night, to say the least. For I also have Shakespeare tonight that I have to have a piece from Othello memorized and all ready to go for rehearsal. And just the mere thought that if I got this pilot role I would be out for a week, in 2 weeks out.

All of a sudden my little planned world of acting came to an explosion of hustling. I’ve literally been thrown opportunities when personally trying to skirt by them. While one might be stroking their smallest violin at my most unfortunate fortune, it was an interesting experience for me all the more. For I probably won’t get this pilot role and after this play who knows when I might work in public again. Such is the ebb and flow of the actor’s professional journey, that has always been recounted to me. But to experience just the beginning taste of what it truly is like in the chaotic hustle of being a professional actor was so enlightening and motivating. Now more than ever I cannot wait to get out there and hustle to be an actor and pursue my dream. That healthy hunger for the acting craft has grown.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill

Failure has always been the bane of my existence; one of my greatest fears. There is something remarkable in the fact that we grow up with this brooding fear of failure. It often starts when we are very young and leads us into complacent lifestyles; this need to always play life safe. But for me there is such dissatisfaction in that. A deep part of me strives to fail just to overcome that and dive into this need to break out, to break free.

Yet, all my years of conditioning have stifled that freedom and caused me to run away from failure, hurt, and pain. I run to a new place or experience that affords me comfort and complacency. Which only proves to encourage my inner creativity to fight harder to break out. There is no success without failure, and in art failure is a necessity. There is no growth in art through complacency and safety. Art demands courage; a vulnerability to expose one’s self. Which in it of itself demands failure for we are but imperfect beings; perfect in our imperfections.

I know what is demanded of me now and my goal is to dare to fail. What I fear more now is not failing but failing to bravely step out and put everything I am into the work and on the line. For even if that results in failure I can learn and grow from that as an artist. But missing the chance to be brave when the opportunity arises is what I cannot forgive myself for. Fear holds us back, failure pushes us forward.