There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this…
– John Hobbes (Fallen)

For me that was yesterday, when I truly decided to give into all that I am as an artist. To give everything I have, every bit of who I am, to this craft and journey. To finally grow up and face the music.

It started with a conversation and a realization about myself. I had always claimed that I’m an all in or all out type of guy. Yet that is not entirely true. I like to always keep 1-9% in reserves. That way should I fail I can always fall back on the thought that well I didn’t really give it my all. So I can cowardly walk away with the notion that well if I really would have given it my all then I would have made it. I delude myself into accepting failure when in truth I never really failed because I never dared to risk it all.

After the conversation I realized there were only two paths now left to take. I could continue my road of accepting an idealized view of failure and move on to something else, or I could actually dare to give every bit of myself towards my passion of this craft. It was a test of my self-proclaimed passion. There were no other paths to continue on, as the truth was revealed to myself and my coach. It was decision time and truthfully I battled that decision for the hours leading up to when I went up on stage to do my work for class last night.

In my first run through I struggled. I was still battling the instinct to hold back. Luckily my coach is very adept and could see this and had me go through a second time and take my time after each beat. It was exactly what I needed. I struggled through each line and in the breaks of the beats it wasn’t just my character who was struggling to find the words, struggling to articulate and win this battle raging inside of him, but it was me as well. With every word I was putting everything of who I am on the line.

I wanted to hold back. I wanted to shut down. I wanted to not bring everything of my past, of who I am, of all my experiences good and bad, into this piece. I took my time and fought through it all. I fought through all my bullshit, all my debilitating ego, and in the end I touched something. I dug into the beginning of my well; I scratched the surface of my imagination. Through the clearing of all my own self I found that I was not empty inside, but filled with artistic creativity. There was an artist deep inside.

It was just waiting for me to uncover it, to access it and let it come and play. I have a much greater understanding now for what Stella Adler uncovered in her meeting with Stanislavski in Paris. It’s not that we shouldn’t start with ourselves and our own experiences but we cannot stop there. On certain days our own experience might feed us, while on other days it might completely abandon us. Still further, it can only provide so much.

After I finished my piece my coach told me that that was just the beginning. It was a great step forward, but now there is no going back. Now I have to ask more, to dig deeper. At first I could not comprehend how this was possible. After reflection and seeing what it was I uncovered, this well of imagination that I had kept from my work, this is of course just the beginning.

It’s the beginning for the artist inside of me, the 1-9% of myself that I have kept out of my work. In truth it is the most vital part of me in my work. There is no limit to where I could go, where any artist can go with digging into his well. Our soul is infinite and alive, and if we are brave enough to expose it to the depths we dare, there is no limit to what we can achieve in our art. The only thing holding us back is ourselves.

With this realization I have reached a turning point in my work. There is no going back, and there is no more holding back. This well is exposed now and I choose to dive head first into it and explore the infinite possibilities it contains. The hard work isn’t over, no, rather it has just begun. Anything less than last night is unacceptable. One can only move forward from here.

It does help to have amazing artistic friends and colleagues who understand and share in this struggle. So to all of you I say thank you. I would not be where I am today without your work, courage, and inspirations. You all deeply humble me.

There is a deep well of life in our imagination which stretches to depths immeasurable.

There are certain rare moments in life where you are experiencing something so great, and are fully realizing it in the moment. Last night was one of those moments, the last and final show to A Few Good Men; my first production and play ever. These moments are absolutely brilliant and extraordinary, the things which dreams are made of. They are so precious, twinklings of stars, there for a moment and then gone forever. I have been incredibly blessed to be a part of something so great.

The greater these moments the harder it is when they are gone, but that is the truth and beauty of our art. We capture and encompass those fleeting moments in life, holding up a mirror to nature, and they can only exist for that brief estimate of time. Their brevity and intensity is what makes them so valuable. So while I am doleful that it has all come to an end, I am so ecstatic with what was achieved. We created art, together in a collaborative fashion. Not with an individual battle of egos but a coalescence of egos to create something bigger than ourselves or anything we could do alone.

It wasn’t presented on a grand Broadway stage in front of 500 plus people, but in a humble building that was originally built for a different purpose. It wasn’t enjoyed by artistic elites or global names but local friends and families, old and young, those new to art and those well involved in art. For art is not a mistress of vanity even though it might seem that way. She is inside us all, waiting for us to be brave and bold enough to show it. I am truly humbled by the art of my peers in this show.

And while that art is done, with only the memories to play on, these new relationships will continue on. As well there will always be more art in the future. May we never cease to be brave and bold. I have to thank everyone who was involved, from those of my fellow actors in the lights, to the glorious crew out in the shadows. I have learned so much from all of you and this was the best first production I could have ever asked for, with the best group of people I could ever imagine. And of course to a Director who took a chance on a new face allowing me to grow to a new occasion and level.

As always I am terrible with goodbyes. So I don’t write goodbye but so long. May there always be great art pouring forth from within ourselves and may these friendships and connections never die.

There is that awful feeling at times after you have taken a test and are completely convinced that you bombed it, only to find out later you aced it. It’s this weird awareness of your own shortcomings in full knowledge of what is required for perfection. But what is perfection, especially in our craft, in our art?

There is no such thing as perfection in what we do as actors. Often times the shows we feel went horrible were some of the most griping shows to the audience. This was the case for our 4th show of A Few Good Men on Friday night – the 3rd of March. It was a weird show to a number of my cast mates but it has become my favorite show. On stage it might have felt a little off, strange, or weird at times, definitely. The audience might not have been super vocal at every joke or blackout but they were still very much there and engaged and full of energy.

The energy and the action was just different. Which is not a bad thing by any sense. Upon reflection it became my favorite show because a lot of new and different things happened. Not new things of conscious design or planning but happy little accidents, as Bob Ross would call them. I live for those moments; when true and real moments happen on stage that are unexpected. Little things that when picked up and reacted to by the actors coalesce into this great display of truth.

I think the audience was picking up on that as well, whether they were aware of it or not. There wasn’t just segments on stage happening to clap and laugh in between, but a gripping story unfolding before their eyes. They wanted to take it all in and as it snowballed the energy was piqued until the final end when the audience could then react in full. I loved it. It felt weird or strange but it was electrifying. There were so many beautiful moments and new discoveries.

We had two shows yesterday for Saturday March 4th and a lot of my cast-mates feel that our 2pm matinee was our best show. We had a lot of laughs at new places and all throughout, as well as applause after almost every blackout, and audible reactions from members in the audience throughout. It was a great show, I do not deny that, but I respectfully disagree with it being our best show. It was to the book and enjoyable but I feel it missed the fire and nuance that our Friday show had with all its happy little accidents.

Of course I’m not talking about the accidents happening from the stupid wooden fans that keep falling down on stage. Those things are obnoxious and an abhorrence to everything of our craft. Ok, maybe that is a little dramatic. Actually I think I love those fans. While they create absolute chaos and provide no real benefit to our stage, I do get a little joy every time they come crashing down and we have to scramble to get them back up. I might have to rig something to make sure they come down again next week. It just wouldn’t be the same to not have them come down once each week. I love live theatre!

I really have no words for these past two days. I finally get a break today to contemplate and reflect on these past two days and really I just wish we had shows today as well. It was a blast. It was indescribable, exhilarating, uplifting, and empowering. All I can really say is I am spoiled, in more ways than one.

Opening weekends I was told, do not go as well as they did. Especially our opening night. Opening night was a hit. Everyone was firing on all cylinders. Not one person was off. There were no major hurdles, or technical issues that went on. There were some minor hiccups but I doubt if the audience picked up on them. The show was just great. The audience was full of energy and it made for an amazing opening show. The next two shows we had on Saturday were hits as well. We did have some stage malfunctions in the matinee showing but if anything it only added some more character to a great show.

I am also blessed to be a part of an all star cast in which every person is just a great down to earth person. I have always been warned about working and dealing with other actors who only want to show you up. Who secretly are hoping that you fail so that they can look better, and will upstage you any chance they can get. I have been very blessed so far to not work with such actors, and am so glad with the cast I have to work with on this production. When I am down or off my co-stars don’t trample me to raise themselves higher but lift me up to their level. Which truly is what helps all of us to reach new heights. For we are always stronger in what we can do together than through divisive and catty ploys to stand alone.

I truly wish this was a Broadway premiere with 8 shows a week for a year long run. If only I were so lucky to be involved in something so long as that with this cast and crew. As it is I will greatly cherish and enjoy the three weekends I have with this cast and crew. I already am dreading the end of this and am just trying to focus on next Friday’s show and making the most of that.

For the first time in this production I actually look forward to these shows than getting back into class. That is how it should be I feel. Class is great for down and off times to continue perfecting one’s craft but it is not where we should be held to. I have found myself on this stage and in this production. I am very grateful and humbled by all my fellow cast members, especially my co-stars, who have raised me to new heights and taught me so much. I would not wish for any other stage debut than this one I am a part of now.

These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.
– Najwa Zebian

These past two days was a lot of acting, and if I could have my wish every weekend would be as such. The amount of heart, truth, grit, and unabashed openness that was displayed was breathtaking to watch. There was such beauty to behold in our craft through each individual who went up and contributed their truth and struggle before us all. It was something an outsider might not be able to fully understand, but still something they couldn’t help but be affected by.

I was very much affected by all the work of my peers. It was heavy stuff, to say the least. I have too much pain and suffering that I harbor within me, and to watch my peers share theirs in relation and connection to their characters’ was uplifting. It was a brave and courageous demonstration of the power of what we do as method actors. A revelation that what we experience and hold within ourselves is not isolated to us as individuals but transcends us to humanity as a whole.

Still, I could feel my smallness in the presence of such artistic beauty. It was hard not to shrink and retreat away off alone. We are maybe crazy to put ourselves through as much. Still, we all have our own individual reasons to do so and I cannot imagine a world without our art. It would be tragic indeed.

This morning I could smile earnestly. Driving out of my enshrouded neighborhood I was greeted by an elderly couple all bundled up to go out on their morning walk. I was struck by the sheer simplicity of it. The great opportunity of waking up to this beautiful world to take in this morning and whatever else this glorious new day can offer us. While it might seem like every other day, it can be made into something completely new. The opportunity is just waiting for us to grab a hold of and never let go; Carpe Diem.

There is much tragedy in this world; much pain, suffering and toil. It shows in the pieces and work that is part of our craft. Yet in every great tragedy there are great heroes and greater stories of triumph. While this past weekend carried a lot of tragic weight in the work that was being presented I feel I would be remiss to not focus on the growth, breakthroughs, and triumphs of my fellow actors. We have shed aspects of ourselves to climb to new heights and the view is striking. It is sincerely humbling.

May we all take our place amidst the stars
Not those of sidewalk fame or vanity,
But those whose light does shine out from darkness
To be a guide for inspired dreamers.

May the giants before us we stand on
Be magnified by what we can now add.
May these peaks we have courageously climbed
Turn to plateaus for others to build on.

As a dreamer or visionary I can lose myself a lot of the times. I can find myself stretching so far for a dream while missing what is right in front of me. I can elevate myself with visions so high in space that I lose connection to the earth beneath my toes. This never lasts long however, and eventually I come crashing down to reality in beautifully humbling moments.

I am constantly reminded that this life, this gift, that I have and that we all have and is unique to each individual, is not just for or about us, but for things much greater than ourselves. Ultimately it is for others. I’ve always wanted to be a hermit and hide among the stars or in an isolated environment but realize that we are a communal species. Our strength is always as a community and we each have within us something to give and contribute.

These dreams and desires that we have are not meant for us alone but to be expressed and shared. Whether it’s to affect a single individual or a mass of millions of people, it is the same worth. The world might put more value with money, fame, and glory, on those that are more popular or reach more individuals but it would be a mistake to focus solely on that. Whether we are here to touch billions, millions, hundreds, or even to touch just one – there is no difference in greatness between them.

Our worth is not defined by what the world gives us back for our gifts. Our worth as individuals is the same regardless of that. We only lose site of each other and thus ourselves when we try to compare each others’ worth in such manners. It’s futile and self-destructive. How great we are as individuals. How great we are when we come together. How great the opportunity to change and affect even just one life. That’s a responsibility in it of itself that is regal.

Who then are we to judge our art? Who are we to self-criticize and hold back what we have because of ourselves? If what we have, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, can affect someone, even just one individual out there, then we have a responsibility to share it. With this in mind each day I strive to perfect my craft. Not so that I can achieve critical acclaim, awards, or money, but because there is a gift inside of me that I cannot and will not hide anymore.

It’s been awhile since I’ve wrote here. I feel like I’ve been writing a lot lately, obviously for other projects and things, and I love it. I was reading The Dreamer Examines His Pillow and I loved what John Patrick Shanley wrote in the forward, “writing is acting.”

My acting coach told me there was a writer inside me. I didn’t know at that time what to make of that comment. I mean I had been writing stuff since high school. I loved stream of consciousness writing. It was catatonic in its own way and there was no judgement from myself on my writing in that form. I just wrote.

I tried and did write some stories for friends over the years. They enjoyed them but the stories were never any good but still I wrote. After my coach’s comment sunk in I did what I usually always did and rebelled. I first disagreed with her assertion that I was a writer and then was appalled at the thought that maybe she’s telling me I need to be a writer and not an actor.

I hated that thought as I wanted to act, not write. Of course with all things I settle down eventually and come to reason and understanding. I realized that my coach was saying the same thing as Shanley. She told me that as I grow in my acting I will grow in my writing and vice verse. That, echoed with Shanley’s statement that “writing is acting,” has truly set me free to combine into a single passion this craft of acting and writing.

Acting will most likely always be my primary focus and love but writing is something so much more personal to me. I still don’t feel my writing is any good but I’m also comparing myself to long established writers such as Shanley and I know I shouldn’t do that. It’s the same thing with my acting, I do it there too. So for now I’m trying not to do that and enjoy where I am in both acting and writing, working on them both, and growing in them both. So that in time, maybe one day, I will be among the greats. Or rather more simply, better than I am today, and still working on being better for tomorrow.