Out from the shadows and into the new,
I am on track towards what my heart pursues.

For my fourth year I asked myself to live and enjoy every moment. It took me about half the year until I could finally come around to that. The past year was filled with disillusionment and a feeling of being lost and restless. My plans evaporated and my dreams darkened.

Towards the end I did come to live and sit in the moment. To be thankful for that and not fill my thoughts with past or future; it was still a struggle. A lesson was learned throughout it all; a first step that I need to embark on to truly embrace each new moment. I have to let go.

I have to let go of the control I need over everything in my life. To let go of all ideas that I cling to in vain attempts to venerate myself and find validation. To let go of the child in me that has pulled me to the back of the shadows and step out into the light. To let go of being perfect and the worry that is produced by that in hitting failure.

I have to let go of everything I hold sacred and trust that I am enough. I have to let go of my ego. I have to let go of my heart. Sharing it with others and not demanding a certain way it be taken. I have to let go of all the fear that drives me. I have to let go of my dreams so that new ones can be made.

Only through that can I find my confidence. Can I find my inner strength and resolve; what I stand for. I feel as though I am stripping away the core of me but it is the lie. An infectious lie that has egregiously corrupted my soul. I must scrape the taint off the top to behold the hidden beauty swirling underneath.

It is long past time to define myself by who I truly am than the lie I’ve constructed. I have only hurt people with that lie not lifted them up. I secretly wrote that I was the bright and shining star and now it must break forth and spread its light. And it won’t be easy.

In various ways and in smaller chunks I have tried to do this before. I have to admit I have grown and I still have so much more work to do. There is a sense of clarity now. As well more force behind wanting to break forth than remaining behind my walled cage. It has already started and the more I step forth and let go and come forth anew the brighter the current moment is.

Six years gone by; been awhile. A group dispersed across the globe; lost a little. A door left open; desolate in the desert. No path direct ahead in which to bear my barren steps. A heart left gazing towards the open sea. I feel as though the hour glass of my soul lies in detainment. Anxiously awaiting my hand to turn its hyperbolic cage; resuscitating it from its stagnant state.

Facing in detached reverence the reflection of my dreams and current reality, I stand here fighting every urge to flee. I’ve cheated time and it has finally caught up to me—now tearing at my eyes to claim all that I stole so long ago. Forcing me to see the wasteful wake I have thus forged, and the despondency of my life’s dereliction. Surveying the solemn cells of my past memories knits together a discordant tapestry of tragedy.

The hope I’ve long longed for listlessly lies in between the cracks that run through this fractured form.

I was never meant to stay here.
I’m afraid to move forward into the unknown.
I’ve sat still in this stagnant theatre of my soul. Each burgeoning breath growing wearier as I struggle to keep open my weighty eyes to the growing dim that shrouds my heart.

I just want to know that in the end, when the gauntlet was thrown down, I reached out to take hold. That when my lip split open on the first punch thrown, I sucked it in and put my hands back up. That when the ground greeted my broken cheek as a pillow, my eyes still splayed wide. That I gritted my loosening teeth and sweetly sucked in one more nasally breath, to push myself up to my full height for one last go. That I let loose a final roar from the aphotic abyss within—shaking the foundations of my own soul before the curtain of the melancholy flood comes forth to claim these lifeless eyes.

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

Joseph Campbell

I’ve watched the stars pass overhead through four different seasons now. It seems as though just last night I spied Orion’s silver bow gleaming far above me in this knowing night sky. His eye twinkling as though winking at me to tell me that his arrow will light the way ahead. Four years and still I have not found where it lays. And as night draws near the more dim the dark I descend into.

Have I wandered off the path again?
Have I lost the great light within?
Who shines down on me now?

I fear the night’s bright lights have been obscured by the convalescing clouds of my mind. Everything was so clear when arriving here. The path was straight and laid bare; well lit and full of promise. Now I’m surrounded by winding wilderness. Where this forest ends I have no clue: no guide above to see me through.

The brambles bristle across my skin; breaking through to brandish blood, as I slowly forward bore. My skin alights with fire as searing sores turn to scars. Layering on top of each other with each new daunting day. I know not what I toil towards, but fear to stop to never start again.

What was the reason why I started this journey?
I seem to have forgotten.
Who was I when I started down this path?
I seem to have forgotten.

But then I see, coming through this midnight mist, the formidable form of my partner in this craft. We dance and skip and move through a moment that withers not away. And standing there in quiescent time I see the light of that arrow shot, glinting in the eyes of my partner. Thus am I transported out of this trepidation and returned home: back to the craft I know and love.

For whenever I lose myself amidst the amorphous rabble that raucously roars through this laborious life, I have but only to look in my fellow artist’s eyes and the path I lost is once again exposed before me. I will always fail to tread this path alone; for the artist’s soul craves collaboration.

Losing faith and belief in oneself is dangerous. It births a whole void that festers and breeds doubt—leading to anger, frustration, jealousy, envy, and wanting to tear others down; rather than lifting them up. It kills creativity—it kills all art within. Disillusionment is hell for the actor. It is also the nature of the business. It is a corrupting force that has no place in an artist. yet, is it something we will face endlessly.

If I do not master control over myself in this regard I will fall into a pit I cannot drag myself out of. I am my own worst enemy in this regard and harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. Which is good and bad. I walk this razor’s edge. One step from an artist’s death and one step from greatness.

Here I lie, I’m staring at, the doubts and questions, of my mind.

Sir Winston Lear

I flatten myself to make it easier to swallow failure. I cower in the shadows for fear of touching the light to only have it taken away. I castrate myself emotionally to not have to face the ugliness inside. All this fear only serves to fulfill this self-fulfilling prophecy. “Better is it to have risked everything and fallen short than to have never risked at all.” Only cowards hide in the shadows. Those timid and tepid souls that will never touch the light or experience the highs.

The doubts are further obstacles to conquer—that is all. My road always continues forward: there is no “failure” that causes a dead end. Even if there was I would claw my way through the brush to clear a new path. There is no fear of failure because in truth there is no such thing. Failure is a lie I have invented to excuse my playing it safe.

Coursing the winding roads of this path I have embarked, I often find myself at an impasse. Not for lack of opportunities, as it is usually upon a juncture of new paths that divert across this rolling landscape that I find myself halting. Rather it is because I am struck by mine own reflection.

I often avoid my reflection, bypassing; streams and lakes, mirrors and windows, and even the light emanating from the souls of those I come across. Not wanting to see myself reflected back in all it’s truth and darkness. The hardest test is facing myself.

But it is in these moments of seeming repose that I am forced to look myself directly in the eye and behold all that I have tried to run from. The paths laid out beside me wait in quiet stillness; blocked off unnaturally by the cascading confrontation I am locked in. I cannot look away and I cannot continue until I have dealt with what is before me.

I want to strike out and break this unblinking mirror…but I cannot. I want to tear my eyes away and run far away from this land…but I cannot. I want to destroy everything that I am to dispel the illusion that is before me…but I cannot. I must regard, acknowledge, and attest to everything that I am. I must learn to accept and forgive.

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last. This is part of the journey I have chosen to embark on. Some instances have passed in mere moments, others days, and some have prolonged for months. And while I find myself stuck here today I know that some day tomorrow I will continue forward. As well that even though my feet are motionless in this current melee I am progressing still.

For on the other side I find more humility, greater love, and a deeper connection to the growing world I encounter throughout my travels.

For the present my eyes are locked inwards to my soul and I stare down to the full depths within.

Every now and then there are those times where I take a long look in the mirror and I rarely like what I see. This past Saturday I was exposed to the raw truth in myself, all facades cast aside; I am not a good actor. I was crestfallen by this sudden realization and all my usual counterpoints and lies I sell myself failed. There was no running from this truth.

Embarrassed and ashamed I wanted to run and hide. I couldn’t help but realize that I have wasted the past 3 and a half years of my life on a worthless enterprise. Embarrassed that I had sold myself on this ridiculous ruse that I could actually become something great—that I actually harbored something inside of me that was worthy to be seen. I was back to nothing. Squandering money and time towards a futile dream forged through deceitful tactics.

Who the fuck am I? A question I have no answer to.
What the fuck am I doing? The question I always come back to.

I am so stupid. I am a joke. I look at all these artists around me and the greats I aspire to and I am nothing. Not even a shadow lying amidst their gilded glow. There are times when I am humbled and those are great, but this is not a humbling moment. This is the moment of truth where you realize you don’t belong. I have sought endless validation and found bits and pieces where I could but it always eluded me and now I know why.

Albeit being on a path for constant need of validation does nothing but crush the passion and art in oneself. I do not think I have truly played for a year. I have wasted an entire year. I have no semblance of structure for this craft or art. I struggle incessantly with mediocre results that become my ‘breakthroughs’—which for anyone else would be calloused cold reads.

The twelves stages of grief and denial hit me hard. I made it through though and I accept the truth reflecting back at me. There was always the realist inside me who knew the truth, he was just overshadowed by dumb dreams. The first step towards the road to recovery is acceptance. I accept the artist I am, or well person I am: as I am not an artist. I am here to have fun and fail furtively.

This realization of the truth has been a blessing. I’ve needed this. Lying to myself was taxing. The heaping of pressure and expectation was too tiresome. I am free now. Free to play. Free to laugh. Free to fail. Free to be nothing but me. I am no artist. I am no genius. I am no actor. I am nothing.

I’m scared of all that I don’t know.

Circles — EDEN

There has been a lot of fight in me these past six months. Dealing with my perceived failed audition to RADA and expectation of rejection and unworthiness. Struggling through a failing production which never found its heart; in turn leading to asking those questions of ourselves we shouldn’t be asking. The exuberance of getting into London and the immense frustration that came with studying there. The feelings of inadequacy, being lost, loneliness, anger, disprized love, hopelessness, pride, guilt, and shame, to name a few.

Followed up by a relatively successful production mixed with hubris, false smiles, and empty congratulations. Into a scene that is very personal to me and struggling in wanting to let that be seen; hiding it away in the dark recesses of my soul. My usual bouts with depression, and to top it off a last minute short film which left me only asking one extremely unspecific question, why?

We are told there is a divine dissatisfaction that is healthy to our art and craft. Something that keeps us humble and pushing forward in growth as an artist, but I have found the extreme side of that pendulum. Or rather I have run astray of ‘divine’ dissatisfaction and given way to self-loathing dissatisfaction. A crippling sense of unworthiness that demotivates and shrinks down.

I’m scared, but I know it’s not for long, because I’m learning what I’ve shoulda known before.

Circles — EDEN

I made a promise long ago and discovered a realization I can never let go. The darkness that surrounds me is thick and suffocating but the spark of life that is within shines brighter than any fog that sweeps through. I fight myself at every turn to keep that shining star dull and distant, not confident in its ability to stand and shine on its own. I fight my identity and truths that lay waiting within, content to live a lie that doesn’t allow me to rise so that I do not have to suffer another fall. We were never created to shrink away from who we are or to burn out slowly.

I never wanted to feel again because all I knew was this pernicious pain that permeated my core, and if I could somehow dull myself then I could somehow make it through this languish life. I created a lie of safety, but the existence of that lie could not live in harmony with the truth of who I am. I am alive. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to fall. I want to rise. I want to live!

I cannot live without my pain and suffering but I also live with joy and laughter. I have broken through another wall, burned off the overcast of fog that had descended upon this shining star, and now I get to see and experience new sights and sounds. I get to take a step forward in life and live. I take that step eagerly and with vitality, for I know too that this fog will come again. It will descend and try to darken and dwindle this living light within but it will never win. With each battle I grow stronger; I come more alive. I am a light unto the darkness and am called to share that light with others.