Man has not begun to live until he can rise above the narrow confines of his own individual concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
– Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Dr. Martin is a hero of mine. A man who truly believed in what he preached. A man who stood tall in the face of injustice and took action when action was needed. A man who was labeled by opponents and critics as an agitator and hypocrite, who wasn’t always perfect, but sacrificed his own well being for a belief in something greater than himself.

Whether religious or not I feel we actors, who are committed in belief to this craft, follow the same vein. We who hold up a mirror to nature. We who expose through that mirror and the lives of such tragic characters we play, the injustices or problems of this world. Even exposing the truth within ourselves we might not want to see.

In each new character, setting, and play we expose ourselves to the broader realm of the human condition. With that comes more empathy. Not only for humanity but ourselves. I don’t think we can have true compassion or true empathy without the realization and acceptance of our self and our faults. Recognizing our fellow man and whatever he is, as our self.

My coach has said that working this craft will change you. There is no escaping the recognition of a piece of yourself in a character you play. For we are all human and all privy to the same faults and strengths. Upon realizing that it’s hard to look at one’s own concerns as separate or special in any way. They have transcended concerns of individuality to those of all humanity’s.

It is there, in that transcendence, where the actor truly lives and as Dr. Martin would say man truly begins to live. It is no easy thing to let go of, that individuality. We cling to it to be safe or guarded, because we fear that those different from us are in reality not that different from us at all. That if we keep this separation we can elevate ourselves and excuse our faults on our fellow man.

But that is not the way of love and as I have said before acting requires love! Even more so in that love and acceptance and understanding of our fellow man we can better accept and understand our self. Only then can humanity progress forward and grow. Through empathy. Through compassion. Through love.

I always wonder why acting? Why do I act and pursue this craft? There are many answers and this is simply one of them. Because through acting we as artists begin to live a life that is part to something greater than ourselves.

Typically for me my new year is on July 2nd for that is when I was born and when each new year progresses. It’s also around when I began acting and so makes more sense from a retrospective point of view. However, in the interest of a calendar year perspective I will take a look back on the year of 2016, which was a big year for me. It was a year of transition and development.

To start, in May I finished up the reason I came out to Phoenix which was for Bible college. Coming out to Phoenix was a huge life transition for me. Looking back when I first came out I wasn’t even going to attend the second year of this two year program. Which makes no sense in hindsight as I was taking the first year online and so didn’t need to be in Phoenix if I wasn’t going to do the second year. I ended up not only doing the second year but the optional third year as well which again wrapped up in May of 2016.

I was in such a chaotic state when coming out to Phoenix and I thank God for what he taught me and forged me to become. My time out here was year to year and sometimes even month to month. There was always something inside of me that wanted to go back home to San Diego but I knew there was a reason why I was out here. I needed to work on myself and build a foundation before I could go anywhere. Phoenix wasn’t just any city it was a city in which I was to be reborn like its namesake, and from the ashes of my former self rise to become something new.

I found that new self through the foundation set in Bible college and then the beginning of a new journey, and a new passion in acting. After school a clear progression was ahead for me to fully commit and dive into acting. I was beginning my second year of acting and now was the time to fully give all of my new self and see where this could take me. At the heart of that was more growth. While a foundation was built before now a house could become erected or more analogous while my heart was crafted in Bible college a structure of body and soul could arise out of acting.

This has not been easy. I have constantly struggled with insecurities and parts of my old self that I hated. For in truth I had hated myself for most of my life. It took a constant reminder that my old self had died and a new self had begun to emerge. Paul talks about this religiously and even if one is not a Christian themselves I find that in art this same principle is vital. We must accept that certain self-defense mechanisms we had enacted no longer serve us and instead we must grow out of those into a new and very vulnerable person. Acting changes you, if you do not change you are not progressing.

This process comes with Love; it must come with Love. Love is the only way that we can, without judgement, accept who we were and in turn become who we need to be. Love is what lets us be absolutely real and honest with ourselves so that we can in turn play our truth in vulnerable nakedness on stage. Love is what lets us not judge others or characters so that we can empathize and understand them to be able to breathe life into the characters we play. I believe that Love is at the heart of our work, always. There is no acting without Love.

I’ve changed a lot this year, triumphed and failed so many times. Even just before the new year I still struggled with my insecurity of who I am as a Christian and what I do as an actor. In that same year I’ve also booked my first gig off a great audition. I’ve also failed an audition for a pilot. I’ve had many ups and downs, made many sacrifices, lost some friends and made others, and never regretted a moment of it.

2016 was a year of transition and growth and with growth there will always be growing pains. I was not spared, but on the other end of growth are new heights and triumphs to behold. For 2017 I start this year off unapologetic for the man I was, the man I am, and the man I will become. I have struggled too long, lost too much, and fought too hard, to get here. I will live this life full of passion, desire, and most of all Love. That is the only thing I know how to do, to Love. May 2017 and the years to come be full of Love.

I feel trapped in my own body. I feel as though I have this understanding and creative energy expressing itself in my mind and soul but when it comes to the surface to be expressed in the body it is all wrong. Like I am a newborn foal struggling desperately to walk but stumbling and falling incessantly. I can comprehend and understand what needs to be there but my body is disconnected.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’m a very good actor. I don’t seem to have the voracity of appetite for it as others do. I don’t seem to have much innate talent towards it. It feels like the harder I try the worse I get, but in not trying it doesn’t magically come either. I just feel very lost in it all. So it begs the question at these times of why the hell am I doing this?

I know in explaining all this as such to others they would look at me quizzically and ask me, “Why don’t you just quit?” Which don’t get me wrong, I ask myself that all the time. Why am I doing this? Why do I go back after getting yelled at? Why do I continue on when failing miserably? What even interests me in something I don’t seem to be good at?

One would think there would be some great answer to the why. The crazy beautiful thing is, I don’t have any answer to that. I used to write down the ‘reasons’ why I act, but when faced with these times those go out the window. I only know that I cannot not do it. It doesn’t make sense logically but I’ve stopped trying to be logical about this craft of acting. I have no idea what I am doing, and more often than late I struggle severely and feel utterly alone. Despite all that something inside me grows and burns greater for this craft.

I love nothing more than a good ol’slice of some humble pie. It helps me to come back to the core of everything when I stray too far in my pride. Whether that’s through pride of thinking I’m too good or through trying to sabotage myself to be less than I am.

My acting coach always said that actors are humble, and I believe that true actors, true artists are that! I’ve been struggling with envy towards my fellow actors and friends as of late. Much in part because I’m insecure in my acting ability and not where I had envisioned myself to be in my current acting journey.

In that I lost sight of why I act, the joy, the passion, the love of it. I let it get clouded by frustration and envy, instead of appreciating art and being inspired and happy. It’s not a good road to go down and I feel it kills the artist and creative side. True artists must be humble. That’s how we are free to get inspired and work.

Today was a good day. While I didn’t do anything acting wise I was able to reflect and observe the world around me. It helped bring me back to my core and why I’m choosing this path. I feel free, happy, and inspired again. Realizing that this has nothing to do with me or my ego, but of the artist within me.

Even now I get a little taste of what it is like to let go and just be, and that’s what we’re always after.

I failed in acting tonight. In the worst way too. I was too safe. There was no creativity, no playing, no art. I’m beginning to feel like there is no artist in me, no hope for me. That I’ll never be anything but a dead wooden actor, which is not an actor and definitely not an artist.

Yet, I can’t give up, as there is nothing else. There is nothing else to run to, and I refuse to give up. Maybe I’m stubbornly stupid and will amount to nothing, and I’m fine with that. As with the man who spends his entire life waiting for the cherry blossom and never seeing it, it is not a life wasted to me.

I guess what is happening instead is all these illusions of grandeur, all this ego is being stripped away. And my heart and true passion is being tested. It hurts, it sucks. I want validation so bad, but I know that will only be a death sentence. Validation can only come from within me, and that takes work. It’s not there yet, and it might be a long while till it comes but I’m patient.

If I never leave the red room it will not be a life wasted.

I feel like writing but I don’t know what to say. I talked about hustle in my last post and I feel like I don’t know the first thing about hustling. Sometimes I feel like I have all this great wisdom to share and experiences to tell but it’s all conjectured madness from a naive and ideological amateur, and that I know nothing. I hate searching for validation from other people yet I yearn for it because I cannot find the validation in it of myself. I hate feeling like a “dysfunctional, insecure” actor and yet at the same time that can just be the bloody truth.

Yet all I know is that this drive and passion remains in my soul to pursue this craft of acting. Although I feel as though others are passing me up like I’m going in reverse, I’ve still never wanted this or anything more in my life. I appreciate these times and melancholy feelings for the very least in that they dispel any illusions of grandeur. Even so I must be careful not to internalize my acting, passions, desires, and feelings.

For the prize isn’t anything out in the world but hidden in my self. As Kevin Spacey said, “to want is not enough, that’s just desire”, I know what I want and have my own specific goals. Regardless of the opportunities that I come upon and succeed or fail in I have my goals and I recognize the talent within myself. For that, and that alone, I will dedicate everything to seeing that talent be expressed fully, openly, and without bounds.