Every now and then there are those times where I take a long look in the mirror and I rarely like what I see. This past Saturday I was exposed to the raw truth in myself, all facades cast aside; I am not a good actor. I was crestfallen by this sudden realization and all my usual counterpoints and lies I sell myself failed. There was no running from this truth.

Embarrassed and ashamed I wanted to run and hide. I couldn’t help but realize that I have wasted the past 3 and a half years of my life on a worthless enterprise. Embarrassed that I had sold myself on this ridiculous ruse that I could actually become something great—that I actually harbored something inside of me that was worthy to be seen. I was back to nothing. Squandering money and time towards a futile dream forged through deceitful tactics.

Who the fuck am I? A question I have no answer to.
What the fuck am I doing? The question I always come back to.

I am so stupid. I am a joke. I look at all these artists around me and the greats I aspire to and I am nothing. Not even a shadow lying amidst their gilded glow. There are times when I am humbled and those are great, but this is not a humbling moment. This is the moment of truth where you realize you don’t belong. I have sought endless validation and found bits and pieces where I could but it always eluded me and now I know why.

Albeit being on a path for constant need of validation does nothing but crush the passion and art in oneself. I do not think I have truly played for a year. I have wasted an entire year. I have no semblance of structure for this craft or art. I struggle incessantly with mediocre results that become my ‘breakthroughs’—which for anyone else would be calloused cold reads.

The twelves stages of grief and denial hit me hard. I made it through though and I accept the truth reflecting back at me. There was always the realist inside me who knew the truth, he was just overshadowed by dumb dreams. The first step towards the road to recovery is acceptance. I accept the artist I am, or well person I am: as I am not an artist. I am here to have fun and fail furtively.

This realization of the truth has been a blessing. I’ve needed this. Lying to myself was taxing. The heaping of pressure and expectation was too tiresome. I am free now. Free to play. Free to laugh. Free to fail. Free to be nothing but me. I am no artist. I am no genius. I am no actor. I am nothing.

I’m scared of all that I don’t know.

Circles — EDEN

There has been a lot of fight in me these past six months. Dealing with my perceived failed audition to RADA and expectation of rejection and unworthiness. Struggling through a failing production which never found its heart; in turn leading to asking those questions of ourselves we shouldn’t be asking. The exuberance of getting into London and the immense frustration that came with studying there. The feelings of inadequacy, being lost, loneliness, anger, disprized love, hopelessness, pride, guilt, and shame, to name a few.

Followed up by a relatively successful production mixed with hubris, false smiles, and empty congratulations. Into a scene that is very personal to me and struggling in wanting to let that be seen; hiding it away in the dark recesses of my soul. My usual bouts with depression, and to top it off a last minute short film which left me only asking one extremely unspecific question, why?

We are told there is a divine dissatisfaction that is healthy to our art and craft. Something that keeps us humble and pushing forward in growth as an artist, but I have found the extreme side of that pendulum. Or rather I have run astray of ‘divine’ dissatisfaction and given way to self-loathing dissatisfaction. A crippling sense of unworthiness that demotivates and shrinks down.

I’m scared, but I know it’s not for long, because I’m learning what I’ve shoulda known before.

Circles — EDEN

I made a promise long ago and discovered a realization I can never let go. The darkness that surrounds me is thick and suffocating but the spark of life that is within shines brighter than any fog that sweeps through. I fight myself at every turn to keep that shining star dull and distant, not confident in its ability to stand and shine on its own. I fight my identity and truths that lay waiting within, content to live a lie that doesn’t allow me to rise so that I do not have to suffer another fall. We were never created to shrink away from who we are or to burn out slowly.

I never wanted to feel again because all I knew was this pernicious pain that permeated my core, and if I could somehow dull myself then I could somehow make it through this languish life. I created a lie of safety, but the existence of that lie could not live in harmony with the truth of who I am. I am alive. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to fall. I want to rise. I want to live!

I cannot live without my pain and suffering but I also live with joy and laughter. I have broken through another wall, burned off the overcast of fog that had descended upon this shining star, and now I get to see and experience new sights and sounds. I get to take a step forward in life and live. I take that step eagerly and with vitality, for I know too that this fog will come again. It will descend and try to darken and dwindle this living light within but it will never win. With each battle I grow stronger; I come more alive. I am a light unto the darkness and am called to share that light with others.

Last year I wrote how it would be the year in which I took the biggest risks. I talked about how it would possibly be my biggest and busiest year. I had so many goals and aspirations. Well I achieved them all.

I went for it and put myself out there, throwing everything on the line. I failed a lot and I beat myself up too much at times. Still, I continued on. I picked myself up and pushed forward, intent on seeing this course through to the end. Upon reflection it was my greatest year yet.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, when I hurt myself.

Illenium—Take You Down

It was a year of some of my deepest and darkest struggles. I’ve had to face the worst sides of myself and as I wrote earlier, I almost didn’t make it. There were too many times I wanted to give up. Too many times where I lost faith in myself and in this charge that was given to me. Every time I was about to quit, though, I held on and shortly after found a breakthrough instead. My coach has always said this journey we pursue as artists is about perseverance. It’s not easy being an actor that truly goes after truth in their art. For to truly achieve truth on the stage, I believe one must face the truth in themselves. For me that was facing a lot of: hurt, pain, despair, depression, broken promises, rejection, and ugliness inside.

Sometimes it’s like an ocean, and it gets too deep.

Illenium—Take You Down

In facing all that, though, I found: peace, joy, happiness, a smile, confidence, beauty inside and out, and a Love that conquers all. I found my Angels amidst my Demons, and in what I thought was my dark abyss inside, my well of beautiful colours to paint with. We are so rich inside. My love for this craft and myself was tested. It was laid bare and exposed. I was more vulnerable than I had ever been and I wanted to cover it up and protect it. I did not think it could survive on its own and could not see that it was the only thing saving me; the only thing keeping me going.

I have some lofty goals for this next year, as there should be every year, but they are secondary in thought. My primary purpose and goal is to keep this vein of Love pulsing and fully exposed. To cast this net of Love wider, enveloping all those that I come across and interact with. Building up, encouraging, and pushing myself and fellow artists. Investing it into every character I take on, leaving nothing hidden and putting it all on the stage. To remember to have fun and play. Last year was about taking big risks—this year is about playing to the max, filled with Love.

Yes, I want to go back to London for a Masters program. Yes, I want to film my web-series I’ve been working on with friends, do a Shakespeare production, and many more things. Greater than all those, though, is to remember that this year is another step amidst a life long journey and that it is the journey that matters, not the end. The end will only be as great as the accumulated memories. I want to be present in every moment this year, and with every person I encounter. To allow these eyes to take in and receive the magnificent beauty that is contained within each passing moment and return it with the Love that runs within.

There will be many struggles and failures in this next year, of that I have no doubt, but they are also part of the journey. My failures and struggles of the past year have forged me into who I am going into this next year. I would trade them for nothing. I will play and Love, regardless of the outcome. I said last year that I could not accept living with the regret of not putting everything on the line. Well I will continue to do that and hold fast to that. I also add for this year that I cannot accept making this journey about the end. Instead I must live every moment. The time of fear, self-doubt, and holding back is at an end.

Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art.

Konstantin Stanislavski

I’ve let go of control over my dreams and aspirations before, taking a different path then what I had planned. Yet, this moment still feels weird and new. I truly do not know where I will be this time next year. Two months ago it was surely LA, but that is one option now amidst a sea of others and I’m not concerned with it. It will reveal itself through the course of this next year and I have faith it will be where I need to go. Again, my focus is on myself, this craft, and in living each moment with abounding Love.