Losing faith and belief in oneself is dangerous. It births a whole void that festers and breeds doubt—leading to anger, frustration, jealousy, envy, and wanting to tear others down; rather than lifting them up. It kills creativity—it kills all art within. Disillusionment is hell for the actor. It is also the nature of the business. It is a corrupting force that has no place in an artist. yet, is it something we will face endlessly.

If I do not master control over myself in this regard I will fall into a pit I cannot drag myself out of. I am my own worst enemy in this regard and harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. Which is good and bad. I walk this razor’s edge. One step from an artist’s death and one step from greatness.

Here I lie, I’m staring at, the doubts and questions, of my mind.

Sir Winston Lear

I flatten myself to make it easier to swallow failure. I cower in the shadows for fear of touching the light to only have it taken away. I castrate myself emotionally to not have to face the ugliness inside. All this fear only serves to fulfill this self-fulfilling prophecy. “Better is it to have risked everything and fallen short than to have never risked at all.” Only cowards hide in the shadows. Those timid and tepid souls that will never touch the light or experience the highs.

The doubts are further obstacles to conquer—that is all. My road always continues forward: there is no “failure” that causes a dead end. Even if there was I would claw my way through the brush to clear a new path. There is no fear of failure because in truth there is no such thing. Failure is a lie I have invented to excuse my playing it safe.

Coursing the winding roads of this path I have embarked, I often find myself at an impasse. Not for lack of opportunities, as it is usually upon a juncture of new paths that divert across this rolling landscape that I find myself halting. Rather it is because I am struck by mine own reflection.

I often avoid my reflection, bypassing; streams and lakes, mirrors and windows, and even the light emanating from the souls of those I come across. Not wanting to see myself reflected back in all it’s truth and darkness. The hardest test is facing myself.

But it is in these moments of seeming repose that I am forced to look myself directly in the eye and behold all that I have tried to run from. The paths laid out beside me wait in quiet stillness; blocked off unnaturally by the cascading confrontation I am locked in. I cannot look away and I cannot continue until I have dealt with what is before me.

I want to strike out and break this unblinking mirror…but I cannot. I want to tear my eyes away and run far away from this land…but I cannot. I want to destroy everything that I am to dispel the illusion that is before me…but I cannot. I must regard, acknowledge, and attest to everything that I am. I must learn to accept and forgive.

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last. This is part of the journey I have chosen to embark on. Some instances have passed in mere moments, others days, and some have prolonged for months. And while I find myself stuck here today I know that some day tomorrow I will continue forward. As well that even though my feet are motionless in this current melee I am progressing still.

For on the other side I find more humility, greater love, and a deeper connection to the growing world I encounter throughout my travels.

For the present my eyes are locked inwards to my soul and I stare down to the full depths within.