I have no idea what I’m doing. Back to square one. I have entered into self destruct mode. I’ve never made it past this point in anything. At least from here, if I make it past this, it’s all new things!
Author: Tyler Boettcher
Why We Do This
I would be lying if I didn’t say that my journey through acting had not been rough as of late; feeling stuck in my acting, smothering my creativity through defense mechanisms which only leads to frustration. To eating big portions of humble pie as I struggle to stop comparing my current work to others’ best work. It has been a ride of ups and downs and what seems like mostly downs as of late.
But last night was a break away from that, and not just in the sense that something came through for me. No, rather last night was a rare occasion and opportunity where art truly lived and breathed through everyone in that small red room. Where everyone showed up and stepped out to be brave and truthful in every action, behavior, and word. It was quite breathtaking. There was a beautiful scene displayed, mixed with gorgeous and touching monologues. It was a divine moment.
To be a part of that communal sharing of art and truth was a breath of fresh air, and reminded me of why I do this. Why I suffer through the long nights, the endless frustrations, the facing of all facets of my life and self-particularly the bad parts, the despair, the rejection, and the constant struggle of ‘showing up’. Because in a moment, if one is prepared and willing, there can live such beauty in truth that affects the soul in a divine way. To be a part of that is humbling.
I believe that it cannot be expressed through mere words, on why we who journey down this path choose this journey, or feel called to this craft. It can only be experienced. And when that experience comes, of living and experiencing the beauty of truth in acting, then and only then will you know if this is truly for you.
Humility
I love nothing more than a good ol’slice of some humble pie. It helps me to come back to the core of everything when I stray too far in my pride. Whether that’s through pride of thinking I’m too good or through trying to sabotage myself to be less than I am.
My acting coach always said that actors are humble, and I believe that true actors, true artists are that! I’ve been struggling with envy towards my fellow actors and friends as of late. Much in part because I’m insecure in my acting ability and not where I had envisioned myself to be in my current acting journey.
In that I lost sight of why I act, the joy, the passion, the love of it. I let it get clouded by frustration and envy, instead of appreciating art and being inspired and happy. It’s not a good road to go down and I feel it kills the artist and creative side. True artists must be humble. That’s how we are free to get inspired and work.
Today was a good day. While I didn’t do anything acting wise I was able to reflect and observe the world around me. It helped bring me back to my core and why I’m choosing this path. I feel free, happy, and inspired again. Realizing that this has nothing to do with me or my ego, but of the artist within me.
Even now I get a little taste of what it is like to let go and just be, and that’s what we’re always after.
Stuck
I failed in acting tonight. In the worst way too. I was too safe. There was no creativity, no playing, no art. I’m beginning to feel like there is no artist in me, no hope for me. That I’ll never be anything but a dead wooden actor, which is not an actor and definitely not an artist.
Yet, I can’t give up, as there is nothing else. There is nothing else to run to, and I refuse to give up. Maybe I’m stubbornly stupid and will amount to nothing, and I’m fine with that. As with the man who spends his entire life waiting for the cherry blossom and never seeing it, it is not a life wasted to me.
I guess what is happening instead is all these illusions of grandeur, all this ego is being stripped away. And my heart and true passion is being tested. It hurts, it sucks. I want validation so bad, but I know that will only be a death sentence. Validation can only come from within me, and that takes work. It’s not there yet, and it might be a long while till it comes but I’m patient.
If I never leave the red room it will not be a life wasted.
Without Bounds
I feel like writing but I don’t know what to say. I talked about hustle in my last post and I feel like I don’t know the first thing about hustling. Sometimes I feel like I have all this great wisdom to share and experiences to tell but it’s all conjectured madness from a naive and ideological amateur, and that I know nothing. I hate searching for validation from other people yet I yearn for it because I cannot find the validation in it of myself. I hate feeling like a “dysfunctional, insecure” actor and yet at the same time that can just be the bloody truth.
Yet all I know is that this drive and passion remains in my soul to pursue this craft of acting. Although I feel as though others are passing me up like I’m going in reverse, I’ve still never wanted this or anything more in my life. I appreciate these times and melancholy feelings for the very least in that they dispel any illusions of grandeur. Even so I must be careful not to internalize my acting, passions, desires, and feelings.
For the prize isn’t anything out in the world but hidden in my self. As Kevin Spacey said, “to want is not enough, that’s just desire”, I know what I want and have my own specific goals. Regardless of the opportunities that I come upon and succeed or fail in I have my goals and I recognize the talent within myself. For that, and that alone, I will dedicate everything to seeing that talent be expressed fully, openly, and without bounds.
Chaos & Hustle
My coach has always told us that successful actors must hustle. I experienced the pure truth of this just yesterday. I’m a year and a month into this great passionate journey of mine, and this past year has had its ups and downs. There have been plenty of struggles amidst a few breakthroughs that never seemed to take hold. As the title of this blog puts forth I have endured with much grit.
Even still I could not be happier and more excited for entering into my second year of this journey. Looking forward was simply the acceptance that many years would come with just purely enhancing my knowledge and application of this beautiful craft. I had become ‘ok’ with the simple idea that I might never leave the confines of our sacred red room and that my work may never progress outward into the world. I was happy with that because for me the focus had purely become about the dedicated devotion to the craft of acting.
While that is still very much the case this journey does not lend one to simple straightforward paths. I was contacted for an audition opportunity for a local theatre play production A Few Good Men. This would be my first audition, and I had no idea where to even begin. I went over my sides for the 2 parts I was auditioning for. The part that my friend had suggested me for I felt comfortable with and didn’t put much work into it. The other role I struggled with for 2 long nights. I never landed on a rehearsal that I ever liked; we can be such dejected directors at times. Yet, I probably played more in this role and side than anything I had done before.
The next morning I went to my audition and did the part I was recommended for first. It was forgettable to say the least. I volunteered to go up with the next role, and well all I can really say on that is that afterwards I was asked to stay and was immediately given the part. It was a rush and blur that I had never quite experienced; an exhilarating and catatonic euphoria. It took awhile to fully hit me. It makes sense though, the work was in there as I struggled with it the most. Now I’m in my first humble play, in a role I wasn’t supposed to be considered for, and it’s becoming my favorite role at the moment.
Now this was a couple weeks ago. While there was extra work and time devoted to getting into this play and will be future time devoted to the production of this play it was only the beginning of the chaos and hustle. Just yesterday I was again approached and inquired on, for creating an audition tape for a tv show/film pilot that will be filming in 2 weeks. I had just that night to put together a video audition for a scene side and go over the pilot script. Last night was a late night, to say the least. For I also have Shakespeare tonight that I have to have a piece from Othello memorized and all ready to go for rehearsal. And just the mere thought that if I got this pilot role I would be out for a week, in 2 weeks out.
All of a sudden my little planned world of acting came to an explosion of hustling. I’ve literally been thrown opportunities when personally trying to skirt by them. While one might be stroking their smallest violin at my most unfortunate fortune, it was an interesting experience for me all the more. For I probably won’t get this pilot role and after this play who knows when I might work in public again. Such is the ebb and flow of the actor’s professional journey, that has always been recounted to me. But to experience just the beginning taste of what it truly is like in the chaotic hustle of being a professional actor was so enlightening and motivating. Now more than ever I cannot wait to get out there and hustle to be an actor and pursue my dream. That healthy hunger for the acting craft has grown.
Failure
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
Failure has always been the bane of my existence; one of my greatest fears. There is something remarkable in the fact that we grow up with this brooding fear of failure. It often starts when we are very young and leads us into complacent lifestyles; this need to always play life safe. But for me there is such dissatisfaction in that. A deep part of me strives to fail just to overcome that and dive into this need to break out, to break free.
Yet, all my years of conditioning have stifled that freedom and caused me to run away from failure, hurt, and pain. I run to a new place or experience that affords me comfort and complacency. Which only proves to encourage my inner creativity to fight harder to break out. There is no success without failure, and in art failure is a necessity. There is no growth in art through complacency and safety. Art demands courage; a vulnerability to expose one’s self. Which in it of itself demands failure for we are but imperfect beings; perfect in our imperfections.
I know what is demanded of me now and my goal is to dare to fail. What I fear more now is not failing but failing to bravely step out and put everything I am into the work and on the line. For even if that results in failure I can learn and grow from that as an artist. But missing the chance to be brave when the opportunity arises is what I cannot forgive myself for. Fear holds us back, failure pushes us forward.
Steady The Flow
I feel like I have forgotten what it is like to be in love. Or rather I’ve busied myself so much these past years in trying to forget. Yet it still lingers on my soul. The sweet taste of it, the dizzying feel of it, all swirled together to knock me back. Acting has helped me open up in so many ways and I cannot even fathom how love would hit me or affect me now. It intrigues me and I would wish to know and experience it. Yet the truth of it I find is that I’m still afraid. I’ve conquered fears these past years. Yet, still do I hold out on this front. To love again.
Breaking
For the longest time I always felt that if I didn’t show feelings, then I was being brave. That if I wasn’t affected, then I was being courageous. That if I didn’t feel inside, then I could fully live out my life. That anytime feelings or emotions did come out that I had failed. That I needed to go back and build my walls thicker, taller, stronger, so that I could not be affected again.
But every time they would break. Every time I would eventually fail. It’s so counter-intuitive to me to begin to comprehend and understand that feelings are everything. They are what make us human. Being affected is what makes us connect, grow, empathize, understand, love. That living a life devoid of feelings and being affected is already being dead. What I thought was my defense mechanism to save me was actually killing me.
And yes sometimes, often times, being affected and feeling is so hard. It can take us to places maybe we never wanted to go, but there is no joy without sorrow. There is no true understanding of happiness without the brutal loss that also comes with life. I have known loss, and I never wanted to go back, but even in that memory of such loss is such happiness, such joy, such exuberance of life. There isn’t one without the other and to try to deny that is to float a path of in between, of no feeling, of not being affected, and then you are already dead.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m here now ready and willing to welcome it with open arms and a smile on my face or tears on my cheeks.
Fool
I feel like such a fool.
How did I ever think that something like this could even have a chance of happening? How could I blind myself so much to what was so obviously right in front of me? Held back by timing, politics, goodwill, and wise council. Now left as a fool that never expressed the inner most feelings, keeping it hidden, locked away, held inside. Exposed to the truth as it all fades away. Left to deal with these hidden feelings, to suffocate them once again.