I love the sound of rain. The soft pitter patter of rain drops as they drum across the landscape elicits feelings of cool calmness. A sort of awareness one gets when sitting alone with their thoughts for too long. It’s in these reflective moments that the worries and trepidations of life cease to bore through my mind and I can simply breathe. Life has a way of becoming overladen with responsibilities, judgements, insecurities, and a whole host of other things that produce dissonance within the soul and mind.

Researches have looked into studying the affect of nature on man and how we should take time to reconnect. Which is why I love rain so much. I have never lived in a place that has received much rain throughout the year, so when it does come it’s a fresh relief. A time to stop and listen; to connect back with a part of this natural world and one full of such life giving power. Rain is beautiful to me.

I have come to learn that the true artist reflects nature; that is what we work for in method acting, to hold up a mirror to nature. In this process I have found as well the same kind of connection and relation to nature as with stopping to look up into the falling rain. It causes me to reflect and take stock on life and all its intricacies. The burdens of life fade away and one can almost hear the voice of God I believe. Humanity, its spirit, power, and life-force vibrate in great fields of energy throughout the actor. The stage gives me a true space to be free; it’s addicting.

I can start off a night like tonight completely overtaken with life, and go up on that stage and fail, utterly. Yet, in that next moment I can go back up there and channel all of life into my work and be transformed. It’s a choice we make, what we play. Will life get the better of us or will we allow the stage to help us conquer it. I believe, along with my Coach, that if you show up long enough, you will win. You will find that moment of release and complete freedom where nature is reflected and it becomes art and you can just simply, be!

Man is free at the moment he wishes to be
-Voltaire

Our greatest enemy, combatant, nemesis, is no farther than a look in the mirror. I have been in my own way my entire life, tripping myself at nearly every step. To truly be free is to be free of ourselves. To stop holding ourselves back and being afraid of who we are. We have everything inside of us to let go and pour forth out the art and creativity that is blossoming inside of us. To distill these chains and barriers we put up that hold us back from our true potential.

This past week I tasted a small bit of that freedom. It was so sweetly empowering. To behold just the beginning or basis of what I can accomplish when I am out of my own way. To witness the person I can truly become if I can let go and reach out and in and pour forth unadulterated what is truly in my soul. There is a deeper connection formed to everything. Everything changes, all outlook and thoughts.

There are things I must shed and it is hard but it becomes easier when looking at what this freedom begins to shed light on. Darkness and light intertwine into a beautiful palette of colours. Something that we wished to hide can be the defining colour that brings everything to life. There is no going back after this; a new fire emerges, the passion intensifies. This is how we know that we cannot do anything else; it permeates every thought and essence of life we live.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t scared. I have so many fears and vulnerabilities that fill every nook and cranny of my mind and so many questions. I cannot answer 2% of them and all I know is I have to go up and infuse myself into a role and express them all there. I just wish to be free and fly among the stars.

There are times when we are forced to stand face to face with our weaknesses, faults, shortcomings, and ugliness. Too often we shrug these moments off and dodge them, creating defense mechanisms to deny the truth exposed so that we can go on living our safe and precious lives. It’s a form of rebellion against ourselves and it can be internally bloody in its own way. A war of cognitive dissonance that forms inside of us in which we must at all costs resolve so as not to lose our delicate psyches.

Then there are times when we cannot simply continue with our defense mechanisms. Where faced with our ugly self we grow tired and weary of side-stepping it and instead look to embrace and understand it, for it is truly us after all. It is in these times when a revolution of self can truly take hold. When we can make actual forward progress as a person by accepting ourselves in all our faults and failures, shortcomings and weaknesses. This is a revolution and overthrow of ourselves and what emerges on the other side is something new, something beautiful. Only then can we begin to move forward into new horizons.

I was stuck in a rebellion on Thursday. I was frustrated with my lack of progress on a Shakespeare scene. I couldn’t seem to get any true emotion in play as well I was failing my partner. I decided to play in a new sandbox as well and it completely failed me. Sitting down in reflection I begun to realize that what I was playing was the safe outward defense mechanism. My cool and nonchalant attitude was actually my public defense mechanism against these ugly feelings inside. This moment in Hamlet called for a true personal moment, how I really feel on the inside and express in the privacy of my own room quite often. It’s a bear of a moment in time and my sandbox play was actually a defense mechanism of not being in that moment.

My coach was right, it didn’t fit the given circumstances. Yet, I only wished to rebel. I did not want to accept the truth or go anywhere near playing it. So I sat and sulked; poor pitiful me. My time was up and I was ready to sulkily write the rest of the class until I could go home and vent properly before exasperating myself to sleep. Yet that was not the actual development of this story. Instead I was called up to go again with a different partner for this scene.

Inside I wanted to rebel. I wanted to pout my way through it. I wanted to throw and sabotage the scene because hey, well that’s just normal human defense mechanisms. Protect ourselves at all costs. Yet that was not the actual development of this story. Instead I opted for a revolution, which I’ll truthfully admit came out of a little spite. I thought to myself, “Oh you want the truth? You want to see this side of the character? Fine.” It was quite childish I have to admit but we can become such children when trying to protect ourselves.

I took a breath and with that relaxed into a scene that formed a revolution inside of me. I don’t remember or recall how the scene went specifically for I was more focused on my partner than I had ever been. The scene was there, new things happened, new discoveries were made, but more importantly I played through my own ugliness and brought all of me into the scene. Was it some beautiful display of a Tony Award winning scene, of course not. But it was progress; a revolution of myself.

I’m beginning to realize that these walls we hit in our personal growth and artistic progress are simply defense mechanisms and ugly characters of ourselves that we must confront. That the only way to break through a wall is to have an internal revolution. This is no easy task and by no means does simply recognizing this fact cause one to enter into enlightenment and full artistic prowess. For these walls are still there and more will come in the future. But to know what it takes to break through them and to make that conscious step to move forward, I feel, is a key piece of knowledge. I know now what must be done, the trick now is pushing through when any wall comes up. To be in a constant state of revolution with ourselves so as to always be moving forward.

It is also important to note that revolution does not imply bloody but rebellion does. Every time we rebel against ourselves we tear apart our souls and artistically this is devastating. Revolution is simply a turn around; instead of running from our selves we instead turn to embrace and continue on. May we always be in revolution of ourselves!

Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.
-Benjamin Franklin

There is a story about Michael Jordan, one of the greatest basketball players of all time, and his practice routine in which he would shoot 1,000 free throws and be the last man leaving practice. This was also at a time when he was considered one of the best in the league, dominating the game. Here was a man at the top of his game and had achieved many personal records and team championships, and still practiced longer and harder than others who had done less.

This is the work ethic that inspires me. It’s not simply about being the best. That’s an achievement but not a goal. For a goal implies a future mark that when achieved is over; it has an end. Sure it’s something to aspire for and train for but what happens after that goal? Perhaps there is a new goal to keep one going but what if there isn’t?

There should be no end to progress in my mind. Even with all the achievements, medals, and awards there should still be something to aspire to; to strive and work towards. My coach has always talked about how there is always work to be done. Even in an Oscar winning performance there can be more play, truth, or character development. We are never finished with our work and it continues on unto the next character, film, play, or whatever it is.

The thing I love about acting too is that there is no prime. With physical sports such as basketball the body begins to decay and while you can still progress and push there is a prime age. A twenty year old will be able to outplay a seventy year old at basketball as the body changes physically with age. Whereas with acting we reflect nature and truth and that truth is independent of time. Yes it is expressed in a moment of time, but that moment of time is as truthful when we are seven as when we are eighty-five.

So in acting there is no prime age and with that, progress is unending. There is always work to be done, more truth to strive towards, and more empathy and understanding to explore. There is always room for more play. Which is why I love this story about Michael Jordan so much. It’s not about being the best because you can always be better. I knew coming into this craft that I was no artistic genius and that there will be people more naturally gifted at me in this, which is fine because I cannot control that. I can control how hard I work though, and so I want to be the actor that works the hardest, fails the biggest, and pushes forward the most.

I haven’t fully arrived there yet, and I never fully will. For again there will always be room to work harder, opportunities to fail bigger, and moments to push harder in. That is what inspires me day after day to keep fighting, struggling, and progressing forward in this great craft!

The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.
-Albert Einstein

It’s only been a short and small step into this grand journey so far and I’ve already learned a lot. Or rather might say had a lot of things thrown at me; from different scene studies to different classes and theatrical forms. There has been a lot to take in and absorb. Through this process one typically comes to the realization of how much one does not know about their area of study. It can be very overwhelming, even disheartening.

However, for the passionate and the disciplined it becomes the lifeblood of the craft. Everything I have learned are tools and techniques but in it of themselves they are nothing. They must be practiced. They must become ingrained in the body. It was an opening to realize further what rehearsal truly is; it’s experimentation, fun, and play, to get at the truth.

The truth, my truth, is what I had left behind in acquiring all this new knowledge and technique. As such even though I was progressing in knowledge I was failing and struggling more and more with acting and just being. Because the truth, our truth, is the lifeblood of method acting, everything else only serves to enhance that or help find it and bring it out. Without ourselves in the work, there is no work. Everything simply becomes fancy speech and lifeless gestures. It has to start with you.

I had applied all my tools, games, and vocal practice to this one speech only to have it fail over and over again. Until I started with myself did something finally come through. It sounds so simple but I lost it along the way. It’s a breath of fresh air though, finding it again, and now my passion, drive, and discipline has been kick started into a new gear to take this speech and from myself add on all the techniques and tools to bring it to life in the given circumstances and play.

I will continue to learn new things and grow in knowledge and practice in the things I know. I also know there is so much more out there to learn and apply and it seems so overwhelming. Still, I must always remember to begin with myself and my truth. It’s the only way to breathe true life into a character.

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.
-Theodore Roosevelt

This journey has been anything but easy. I recall the pureness I came into this on my first read through in my very first class. I felt electrified, alive; full of something I had never been filled with in my life, a passion. This continued on into my first assigned monologue. The work was all there and things were simple in a sense but truth was evident.

Fast forward to last night and I feel things have extended away from me. That every monologue for the past year after that first monologue has been me chasing that truth and finding nothing but failure. I’ve learned a lot about this craft and read many plays and books in this past year to only have me progress backwards it seems. My intellect has taken over and I dream about great rehearsals. I imagine the perfect delivery of the lines, and the perfect behavior and action comes to life in my mind, but when I actually try to live it and express it through the body I fail utterly.

While my frustrations mount every Monday and I feel like I’m progressing backwards more than I’m progressing forward, I feel called to this the more so. I cannot articulate it or reason it out. I hope one day to find my truth in these pieces again. To unlock this artist inside me and let it shine. For now I struggle, and with much struggle comes much pain. Which is something I’m well acquainted with. For on the other side of this is something beautiful and even in the muck it is a worthy struggle. If I were to spend my life in this struggle never finding that truth again I would account it a life lived well and not wasted.

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.”
Earl Nightingale

It seems sometimes you risk going a completely different direction and it benefits you nothing. If anything it gets you chewed out and feeling pretty terrible about your work. But that’s not even the worst of it. I hate feeling like I let my scene partner down and last night I did. I don’t know what we did, I can assure you it wasn’t the play, but why did it go the way that it did? I don’t even know what was so wrong about it; and that is what kills me.

It was obvious that it was wrong but I cannot articulate why. Which leaves me back to square one in that I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like I take one step forward only to go 10 steps backwards. The same thing happened with another scene of mine this week. I let my partner down again. My work was lazy, glib, and not truthful to the given circumstances. I played in a direction that was all wrong. I didn’t earn anything of what I was saying.

Why do I keep going down these paths? What keeps me from putting my truth in the given circumstances? Why am I doing this? There is so much frustration in all of this and so much doubt. I have developed so little faith in my acting abilities. People who have come after me are taking leaps and bounds in progress ahead of me. But that’s the thing, I cannot compare myself or my journey to anyone else.

This is a big struggle and sometimes it seems like it has won and all I want to do is quit and give up. But that is just simply not an option. Should this have been me from even a couple years ago and I would have. So I am very thankful for coming to acting when I did. This race is far from over and even still just yet beginning. So I’m struggling, so I’m failing to process and understand at times, so I’m failing to keep up with some of my peers, so I’m failing to be that actor and artist I can be in this time, place, and moment? So what of it all? One has to be invested in their dreams for the long run, the present struggle and doubt is not a reflection of the long haul, unless one quits.